suck-meter2016 was by far the worse/best year ever. How is that even possible?

erinkberndt

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One name; God.Now I did not begin the year by finding Him, in fact, to a degree, I have always “believed”, but like SO many of us I had no actual proof. I have been gifted my whole life w the ability to see things before they happened, I’ve even saved my own life at 16, when I was overcome w the knowledge, that while we were speeding down a mountain road that something was in the road ahead. I yelled & the driver slowed, after a few more twists & turns………there in the middle of the road was a gigantic Cow. we didn’t do seat belts back then so i would’ve been propelled through the window.

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I saw the Challenger blow up the day before it happened. I saw an explosion in a bright blue sky. it was winter & very dark & dreary in MA, yet that vision was so real. I thought we were going to be blown up by Bin Laden. The next day I watched as the exact vision I had seen the day before take place in a bright blue sky. There have been so many of these that to write them down would take far too long.

I have always felt that greater power, but because of my strict catholic upbringing, it never felt like I wasn’t “good enough” for God. The catholic religion paints us as continuous sinners, who are going to hell. After having a child out of wedlock & living in sin, I gave up all hope of ever seeing heaven. I claimed my reservation in hell w a seat by the fire!!!

2016 was by far the worse/best year ever. How is that even possible? Click to Tweet

That belief led to all of the wrong decisions, that I was making because I was sure I was already doomed. When I met & then married by current husband, I was introduced to a whole new God, through his Episcopalian religion, and I loved this new outlook on God. So I changed myself to Episcopalian. But still held no real proof that he existed & was convinced I had done more than enough to earn my place in hell.

2016, was one disaster after another. my disability had deteriorated my life to 4-6 hrs of awake time. At the end of March, 2 days before my son’s 25th birthday, me, my grandson (my sons son), my daughter & youngest grandson were up in the cemetery just 25’ feet behind our house.

It’s peaceful & the boys love the woods behind the cemetery. We saw that Anthony was also, so fatefully coincidentally, in the cemetery too. My grandson was over the moon for the few minutes he got w his Dad. it ended w “I love you’s” all around.

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When I told my grandson’s other grandma who has custody that we had run into Anthony, she was Irate. I was lost because it had always been up to me, who in the family was allowed w him. I had never been told I was to turn my back on my son & not allow my grandson to see him. At that point it escalated into an awful war in which I lost the privilege of being in my grandsns life, when I had always had him at least once every week. Then there was the visit to my neurologist. I was a mess, I was just pretty much killing myself & she told me that if I didn’t make some serious changes then I wouldn’t be around for much longer. Knowing my son was dying, not being able to see my oldest grand son & my own impending death was too much for me in a 3 day period.

My husband & I were trying to start a delivery business & were leaving for FL the next day to deliver a boat motor. The man who we brought the motor to, asked my husband if he would be willing to move boats up & down the east coast for really good money.
I decided I wasn’t going back to that little poison filled town, so we decided to move to FL. My mom & dad live here so I stayed w them until I found a house. i searched hundreds of houses & only ended up where I am because of fate.

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The job fell through & my stepson who had been headed down the same path of addiction as my own son, was unable to leave the state, so me & my youngest (step) daughter moved here waiting for the boys. I slept all the time, was lonely & miserable.

On Aug 9th I found my daughter’s bed empty & she was missing. I called the police & reported her missing. I was terrified, I thought she had been kidnapped, when in truth she had chosen to run away. It did nothing to allay the fears that I had lost my husbands & mine youngest child. I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again.

On Aug 28th at 12:13, the call I had run away from came, my son was dead. That meeting in the cemetery, was the last goodbye for all of us. I fell apart,the last shred of strength left in me was gone. I had to fly to MA for his wake & funeral & they were awful. I couldn’t go to the cemetery where I had seen him alive last. People judged & called me names. I don’t care, I said I loved him last there & I wasn’t going to take away from that as my last memory of him alive.

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I turned to God from the minute I heard, it was instinctual & during that first week, I repented, forgave & prayed. I started receiving signs on Tues, 2 days after he died, but my daughter had actually gotten the sign first on Monday, it wasn’t until I told her about my experience, that she exclaimed, “OMG Mom we were taking a ride yesterday & when I looked up, I saw an Eagle over my car”. Yes a bald eagle 1200 miles apart. neither of us having ever seen one before in the wild. On wednesday, my grandson saw it at his bus stop & on Thursday Anthony’s girlfriend & her Mom saw it in yet another town. Ant & I had always bird watched & loved the birds of prey. So that all made perfect sense to me. My husband had actually told me to watch my feeders for a new bird. Not my son, not just any bird, but the biggest, baddest!!!

The following Sunday when I lay down after a week of the worse pain you could imagine x a million, my weak body refusing to take any nourishment, & w only about 12 hrs of total sleep, I lay down to try & rest. That is when God took the wheel.

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All of a sudden my mind was alive, knowledge poured into me at such a fast rate, I kept explaining it like being a computer being downloaded w infinite knowledge. the week progressed w more & more amazing miracles. Major weight loss in 2 hrs……..no longer needing glasses to see, but, most importantly, a purpose. Every day I tried to reach out & share my story, e-mails disappeared, phones would ring w no answering machine. God was not ready for me to share my experiences. For the next month he changed me & I grew spiritually. I realized that I didn’t need a church to worship. God was in my home. He has my son & he isn’t in pain, fighting his demons any longer. He is free.

Now I am fighting this war on addiction. I have trouble still accepting that God has chosen me & put so much power into my hands. I feel so guilty that it took my son’s death to prove there is a God. But, now when I look back on what I went through what my life has been, was all leading up to this, that this is where God needed me to be & only the death of my youngest would pull me from my own wishes of a merciful death.

freddie

So here I am sharing how in the most awful nightmare imaginable, I was given Miracles & strength. My son will never be forgotten. I will not stop fighting until I know that I have fulfilled the job I was given.

I am so thankful to those who have helped me w this very mighty task, for all of the love & support in the recovery community, to all of you who have been touched like I have, thank you for sharing w me & proving to me that I am not unique, that Miracles are happening everywhere.

God is an important player in our war. I see everyday that I am not the only one He has touched, we all feel him & have our stories. I’m ready to share mine, with the hopes that others come forward also.2017 is not just change in the addiction/recovery community, but in the world.

Happy New Year to you all!!!

Click image Below To Read My Story2017-03-30_10-08-18

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erinkberndt
My name is Erin Berndt & im 46 yrs old I am married to my soul mate, Fedor. I have 2 children Dacia & Anthony from my ex husband who I spent 22 yrs of misery. He was an evil drunk who developed a love for pills-any pills. Our son left home at 15 because his uncle & father got him into drugs & drinking

Fedor has 2 grown daughters from his 1st wife & 19yr old Devin & 17yr old Kaylee from his 2nd wife who had decided while the kids were 9 & 11, that she was a lesbian. She partied too much & parented too little. Both kids have addiction issues & Kaylee has several mental health diagnoses. I got them at 10 & 12, LOVE at first sight. We had them most of the time but terrible things happened when they were in their mothers care

I was disabled in 2007 after 4 car accidents & 2 neck surgeries that made me worse. I've been on opiates for 9 yrs I moved to Fl at the end of March, running for many reasons. Five months later on Aug 28th at 12:13 am the call came & he was gone. He leaves behind my 6 yr old grandson Aiden. Aiden is having mental health issues since his dads death

Fedor still lives in MA because Devin is in recovery & on probation & can not leave the state yet. So it has been only Kaylee with me through this. Luckily God came & got me through it & on the right road. I'm off the opiates ( even though I never abused them), I have lost weight & had so many positive & inspiring changes.

My energy has gone into helping save addicts, help families, stop the stigma, raise awareness, make sure ALl 1st responders have Narcan, educate kids st a younger age, change the laws on dealers, hospital to treatment for addicts. More facilities & recovery AVAILABLE for all!
MA/FL Against Heroin
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