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Reach: 72.4k Reg & 86k+ Facilities & 26.8M Social Media + (Email Community Total 180k) Nations largest organic addiction related community. Welcome Andrea Grubb Barthwell, M.D., F.A.S.A.M., is the founder and CEO of Two Dreams and past president of ASAM

Its true I swear GOD got me pregnant – Are you serious?

Robert Henslee

Robert Henslee SFYB CEO/Founder

FORWARD: SFYB is an organization made for addicts by addicts and we’re a second chance organization. We enjoy a community of authors struggling with addiction, in recovery, mental Illness and a number of other challenges.

This particular author sent me a story (below) a few weeks back begging me to publish it even though I felt it spoke loudly to her mental illness but hey I’m no doctor just my personal observation and opinion. Regardless and against my advice she made me promise I would. So I have. Written by her own hand. (Below)

Erin has been working with SFYB for a while now and earned the title of Sr Business dev.  Recently, Erin went to “help” one of our clients/prospects… went dark and disappeared all night (spent the night in a hotel room paid for by the client according to her own admission)…

Upon her return announces how she and one other our colleagues (Traci of Recovery chicks affiliated with Erin) were magically “hired” into a great position/job by another organization (our potential client). Pissing off the entire SFYB social media staff and disrupting our organization. Her loyalty and morality limited by opportunity and a hotel room. Sad if you ask me. This generated a lot of hate for her and the facility withing my organization. For those that don’t know me we’re a pretty large concern and this was a management nightmare.  Really disrupted us internally. 

Prior to her meeting our client and going to “help at the event – Fed Up Rally” (client was handing out literature promoting his services) … I met with the owner of the facility he promised me hiring of SFYB staff would NOT happen man to man. He put on a BIG show about how loyal he was pounding his chest and shouting loudly about his moral fiber. It was a convincing act. 

It will be interesting to see if he’s a man of his word. We’ll see. If it continues… I guess ALL will know the answer soon enough. These things have a way of working out.

If the treatment facility can’t keep their word in a simple matter like this it’s unlikely they’ll keep their word to clients seeking help. Therefore all affiliates make note. (Da Brain added the organizations in question to the non-referral list circulated with all our affiliates). 

This is unacceptable way of doing business. When I called this man out on the above he told me and I quote “This is business get over it”. This is NOT the way Da Brain does business. I trusted this man. In my experience if a man’s word is worthless so will be the organizan he represents. There’s more details to this story but beyond the scope of this writing.  I will update it as the story unfolds. Something wrong here. I smell a rat. I’ll find out. Personally what really pissed me off this man insulted me as a Vietnam Vet. Not a wise move on his part. 

 

Update Sept 17 2017 – Turns out this man claiming to be the owner of the treatment facilities in question isn’t even the owner. He runs a small detox operation “used” by the treatment facility parading around town as the owner but doesn’t have ANY stake in the treatment facility whatsoever according to the REAL owners. A phoney. 

This is why he refused to stop distributing his material. I sent him screenshot after screenshot of ppl complaining about the treatment facility and the situation literally begging him to stop his “new girls” from continuing to post. This was brand damaging to the treatment facility. He could’ve cared less and refused to do so.  So at the time this confused me, no reasonable treatment center owner would do this.  WTF?

It was if he didn’t care about the treatment center. Turns out there’s a reason why. He doesn’t. This occurred in countless groups over and over. I received numerous complaints from many of our affiliates.   

He uses his illusional affiliation (as owner of the treatment center) leveraging vendors (alluding to huge deals – not really possible) to realize discount services from vendors even though he’s not the owner of the facility. That was my experience with him.  In my mind’s eye that’s fraud. We generated a marketing proposal for the facility while the man doesn’t even own it wasting time and precious resources of our organization. 

Proving not only is his word is worthless but he’s misrepresenting himself too. The REAL owners of the facility have contacted me since and we’re working out the details to clean up this mess.  So we will see if the real owners really care. (Stay tuned) All affiliates make note.  This kind of behavior gives us all a bad name in the addiction business would be my thoughts. Tks@R

Erin goes on to explain to friends (messenger txt ) how she was just hanging out until she ran across some people who had some money and could enable her.  Soon after I posted this on the site I got a number of calls from other organizations communicating she has a history of doing this. This is how all the hate is generated in our community in my opinion. Bad for all of us. 

These kind of people are responsible for all the infighting which make us all look bad.. Backbiters haters of God. What I detest most is all the backstabbing and toxic puke generated by these Individuals who continue to attack team members behind the scene cuz of their own selfish disregard for our fellow addicts…. chasing the dollar. A bunch of hypocrites if you ask me. 

Calling you friend to your face while stabbing you behind your back.  No call for this. I have included a few screenshots below to demonstrate. This behavior in my opinion is just pure EVIL while hiding behind GOD. Disgusting. This isn’t how God works nor is this how real friends work. 

If you have an organization with any assets it would be a huge mistake in my opinion to give editor or admin access.  Every single lead or contact that came in…  attempts to monetise was my experience. Hence the situation we’re discussing now.

They will attack not only your personal behind your back….  and your digital assets such as Facebook accounts causing severe loss of productivity while driving your operational costs up. Maybe we all should start doing the same to them as a community? I recently had a young man call me and accuse our team of doing this, turns out he was right… so I openly apologize to him. 

In their defense they claim SFYB is a greedy organization … who only cares about the almighty dollar. I would point out… defrauding and slandering the organization you’re working for while turning out their prospects/clients for a dollar might make you a hypocrite.

This matter is currently under investigation as we’ve filed criminal complaints against her seeking to be made whole once again. Additionally there is a young child involved here that recently came home with a huge tattoo of satan on the chest. No surprize there. A HUGE RED FLAG

I would suggest family members contact HRS immediately. A reasonable person would think something is very wrong here.  So enjoy the story folks…  Lastly many thanks to the huge volume of calls supporting da brain from the community. I appreciate all of you for the love and support in this matter. Tks@R

Note this story was written and sent in for publication by Erin herself:
The phone rang at 12:13 am on Sunday August 28th,  and the fact that I was even awake to see it ring in itself was not normal. I had no idea just how much that call would change my life or of the sequence of unbelievable events that would follow.

erinkberndt

Erin Berndt you’re Fired !

I answered the call from my ex husband to hear his frantic voice over the 1200 miles telling me our son had been rushed to the emergency room unresponsive.

As a mom, I knew this was coming, it was the reason I had moved so far away, naively believing I could outrun his death, because I knew he was already gone.

 In that moment, my whole life was changed irrevocably, forever altered. A moment in time that becomes a “before” and “after” as we continue on.

  I didn’t go through the hating, blaming or trying to bargain him back. Instead I turned to the God I believed had been responsible for every shitty choice I had made in my life and condemned me to an eternity in hell for my sins. I begged for a sign from Him that my Anthony had made it to Him.

  The vomiting and diarrhea started immediately after the call came. I had no desire to eat anything but not even water would stay down. I couldn’t sleep, so afraid to let that first night pass, to get into the next day, a day where my son no longer existed.

  On Monday night while on the phone with my husband I was saying to him that no sign had come yet, he told me to watch my birdfeeders that that is where my sign would be. First thing Tuesday morning as I sat on my porch an American eagle flew down from above and slowly hides along the surface of the lake, circling back around and performing for me for quite some time. I was in awe, I knew as soon as it approached that this was indeed my sign. That my son who had so loved the birds of prey and fishing was spreading his angelic wings in the guise of the largest fiercest bird that he could!

Later that day while sharing my story with my daughter who was also 1200 miles away, she exclaimed “omg Mom! There was an eagle flying over my car yesterday”. I was breathless. The next day my grandson (Anthony’s 6 yr old) saw an eagle at his bus stop and the following day, Ant’s girlfriend and her mother saw one in yet another town..not one of us ever having seen a wild eagle before.

The funeral and burial in MA were horrific and filled with drama but I was calm and serene despite being dehydrated and having had to be cleared by EMS when I nearly passed out in the airport on my way back.

That whole first week after truly realizing there was a God I had begun to go through so many changes. I began forgiving people, to the point that I reached out to anyone I felt I had wronged or who had wronged me and I genuinely apologized, every day there was a major change or lesson that I humbly learned. I had no idea what was happening but it was so obvious to me as I learned and acknowledged each new days event. Still not able to keep anything down, my moods shifting from the lowest of low to highs I should not have been feeling. How could I laugh, when my child had just died? I wasn’t sleeping either, but about 2 hrs a night and I had stopped taking the 13 different prescriptions I had spent the last 9 yrs numbing myself with when I couldn’t keep anything down.

When I returned from Mass to FL I kept noticing that everything had changed to me. Everything looked new and fresh. The houses in our city all looked as though each had had extensive lawn work done, everything sparkled and was BEAUTIFUL. We drove through the city on an errand and I kept telling my 17 yr old daughter how beautiful it was and pointing out the fact that we weren’t seeing a single “for sale/rent” sign.

I tried to go to bed on the one week night, right after midnight. I was so exhausted I can still clearly remember thinking that I was finally going to get some sleep, but I couldn’t have been further from the truth. I laid down to sleep and that is when God took over…….

It started with the beginning of time or at least before what we have been told was the beginning of time because there were dinosaurs with the people and it continued right up until President Trump was elected. Remember this was only Sept 4th and they were still all behind Hillary. The things I saw that night were amazing and I knew it meant something. It wasn’t a dream but lucid dreaming/visions and I knew when I got out of bed that morning that I had seen truth.

Truth that most of the world did not have any idea about. I explained it to my family as being shown that there was basis in both evolution and the bible because in my very new understanding of what had been shown to me that was how my brain processed it. I saw giants, and so many other things that really made no sense to me at the time but which have all been revealed to me as things have continued to go on.

  At this point I am still only getting a couple of hrs of actual sleep each night, and I am eating normally. I explained it to my husband and youngest daughter that I felt like a computer being downloaded as all of this new information is assaulting my brain and I’m understanding it as it’s happening and at night things begin to happen. Doors and drawers opening and closing.

The tv going on and off, when I would comment that it had turned off it would come back on. On about Monday or Tuesday while messing around with my daughter I realize that suddenly I can hold a tune and actually a beat and I am singing and dancing in ways I have NEVER been able to in my life. And my mind is still receiving information, I am sharp and focused. On Thursday morning after 2 hrs of sleep I woke up and immediately felt off….my mouth felt odd, I had weighed myself on Sunday and was 197 lbs.

But this morning I could feel the top of my mouth which must have been filled with fat because it felt foreign to me. When I got out of bed…..I was floored. I don’t have a scale so there is no actual pounds lost but in a guess, at least 30 lbs was gone. My stomach was flat, my breast high and perky and my nipples had shrunk to something I hadn’t seen since I had gotten pregnant with my first child almost eyes before! I went to put on my glasses but I couldn’t see. I looked around with them off and realized I was seeing perfectly without them.

Now, my eyesight had been so bad that I needed both cataract surgery and corneal replacements. Yet, here I was after 20 yrs with no glasses at all! A little bit later I pull some ice out of the freezer and it starts melting in my hands. So I start testing that out, I was actually able to unthaw a steak in a matter of minutes. I also couldn’t feel heat with my hands and could melt an ice cube on my body in under 30 seconds. When my mother came over later in the day her mind went into overload and she had to leave. The look of terror on her face will stay with me forever.

 At this point my husband who still lives in Mass is starting to worry about me and sends the police out to check on me. Funny thing is, our daughter had run away 3 weeks before Anthony’s death, the police were here then. The same officer who had been out 3 weeks earlier came….with 2 other officers. They hadn’t sent 3 cars out when my daughter was missing but they did for a non violent wellness check. I began babbling at the cop, he couldn’t deny it because I looked absolutely nothing like I had less than 4 weeks before. Here in FL they can commit you for observation against your will. Here I am telling the cops what had happened to me and the only thing they wanted to know was, did I want to hurt someone or myself! Lol….I told them absolutely not, I actually felt compelled to heal. They all left without taking me to the Looney bin!

On Friday night my very thick unmanageable hair had worked itself into a knot and so I cut off the bottom few inches and threw it in my trashcan and went to sleep. When I got up after my now regular couple of hours the first thing my eyes fell upon was my trashcan, because lying on top of the hair was a small clear plastic box with a pair of earrings in it I had never worn, let alone put in that box or taken from my jewelry box! I knew their purpose was going to become clear.

An Example Of Love & Friendship as these individuals spread their toxic puke behind the scene with SFYB team members disrupting our organization

In the middle of the afternoon I put my phone down on the table next to me where I always put it when a couple of seconds later I noticed it was missing. This began a frantic 2 he tee my clean house apart from top to bottom. We searched everywhere.

When I went to search the couch for the second time I found a pink lighter, on it. “It is all in your hands”. I knew immediately that that was not our lighter and it had not come from anyone visiting because we didn’t get visitors. A couple of minutes later I walked over to the table and there appeared my phone right before mine and my daughter’s eyes.

I don’t know how this took place, I remember doing this in detail but not how I was led to do it…it was just instinctual. I took a shower that evening and put on my wedding dress, the purple earrings (which matched my dress) high heels, make up, even my headpiece and hair up. Now I had not been able to wear heels for years due to my bad neck and back (the reason for all those pills) but here I was rocking heels for the first time in years and following this insane pattern. I was walking from my dock on the lake, through my house and down the street to the 3rd telephone pole and back all while singing “Dancing in the Sky”by Dani and Lizzy.

As I am doing this I am also completely in tune with my environment and I can see people in my neighborhood who do not belong. There are people outside watching me as well as others I can’t physically see them but I am aware they are there somehow.

The grass is sparkling as though with fairy dust and my body and mind are so in tune with repeating this and making the sign of the cross at each place. I have no idea how long this went on for. I talked to my husband a couple of times during the evening and time actually went backwards. Every time I looked at the clock it was always around 11 pm. At some point I realize that I am repeating these 3 locations 3 x each and my mind suddenly grasps that concept and he’s start flooding my mind. My husband if Fedor III, I am his 3rd wife, 3 things drove me to move, the house we are in has doors windows and the address all in multiples of 3 and on and on and on. 3 is so deeply embedded in my entire life, but until that light went off in my I had never drawn that conclusion before. But suddenly I realized that all of the coincidences in my life and the ability of sight that I never understood all make sense.

As I walked to the end of the dock the lighter kept coming back to my head “it’s all in your hands”, as I walked down the dock I walked right off the edge believing that God would put something solid under me. The second time I did it, I took the phone in the lake with me. Kaylee had gone to sleep in a shock overload from watching me for the last 2 weeks. She has PTSD and is BiPolar with audio/visual hallucinations. So imagine trying to give her some sense of reality while all of these supernatural things are happening all around her. So, from here on out I can’t call my husband nor can I wake up Kay because I know what this could do to her fragile mental state.

Lol An another of “Love & Friendship” as these individuals spread their toxic puke behind the scene with SFYB team members disrupting our organization

 After what seemed like forever, I took my exhausted self to the shower and bed. As I hit the bed, right at midnighton 9/11 and laid down, suddenly I was slammed in my stomach from inside, that is the best way to describe the feeling.

I sat up in bed and turned on the light to watch as my stomach began to grow. I was so calm, and collected it seemed perfectly natural. I continued to grow just as I would have if pregnant, I was outside walking where people saw me.

 As I got bigger and it was happening fast I had this sense of calm. I knew I should have been panicking but this insane, IMPOSSIBLE act was taking place. I was in and out of the house I couldn’t sit still. This went on for 3 hrs when I got so big that I knew something was going to happen soon, I grabbed a stack of white towels and patiently waited for what I thought was going to be a new child. In my mind during all of this time I had rationalized it out that for some reason God was giving me a child. I was positive it must be a boy, but other than that my mind just couldn’t expand upon any greater meaning. The pressure was real, the size unmistakeable when it hit me as to why I had lost all of that weight. This would not have been recognizable at the size I was at. I wouldn’t have believed in the supernatural and I would have called 911 and gotten myself to a hospital. Yet, I had absolutely no desire to do that. I was utterly confident I could do all of this myself. I had baby clothes and blankets here from my grandchildren and I was just….ready.

 At 3:33 am my water broke, it soaked the white towels in a big wet rush of fluid, just as when your water really breaks. But then nothing, until my stomach deflated and went back flat….just like that! Gone. My mind broke for a bit here. I was distraught, confused and insanely trying to rationalize this. I can remember looking down at these perky boobs and thinking well, if I had just had a child they wouldn’t look like this and they just dropped!

My next thoughts were perhaps the baby was somewhere I had been walking to, so I went through the house searching, out to the dock, down the street to the telephone pole. There was nothing. I was frantic in my mind, trying to rationalize it. I waited 3 hrs, when that came and went I thought maybe it would be 3 days. At this point, I’m also realizing that God is Real and all this insane shit taking place makes a lot of things people to believe to be untrue, actually true. So I figured maybe the storm was going to bring the baby.

If you believe this was easy, you are so wrong. I had almost lost my daughter in early August I HAD lost my son only 2 weeks earlier and I was a mess! The feelings of guilt, that I had only gained this because I lost my child. It felt almost like I was trading one for the other and that screws with your head.

By Wednesday when nothing had happened I was exhausted, I was still getting the downloads of knowledge. I was broken and lost so I went seeking council from the church. I went to 2 different churches. The way they treated me was debasing. I left both churches after being humiliated. One pastor continuously watched the clock while the other simply told me to write a book. I could see in their eyes that they didn’t believe me. These people of God, they didn’t even know that He was real and the power that He could wield. I left the last church frantic and hysterical and pretty damn sure I may need some serious mental help.

 I went home and called 911 on myself. I talked to the operator for over a half hour until the police came…..another 3 of them, all from the previous visit! Now, here I am telling these officers as well as the 911 operator and again they listened to my story, asked me if I wanted to hurt myself or anyone else and when again I told them “absolutely not”, they left me alone.

A brief interlude here. We all can understand how terrorists are found. Through algorithms and combinations of words used. I had been posting everything that was happening to me on facebook and had already been under “observation”, this is why there were strangers in my neighbors houses.

The next morning I watched black Ford Fusions return the neighbors to their homes. I could “see” that my phone was being watched and I had this complete understanding of how all of the underground monitoring and finding of people was accomplished. Never in my life had I heard about this technology yet I knew exactly how it was being done and everything I knew to be fact would later be released in the Wikileaks Vault 7 announcement. When that was actually released I was working with an Anonymous member and learning so much more of what is hidden from us in this very supernatural place we call home.

On Sunday September 17th it happened again, in the middle of the afternoon I could feel something happening my stomach started to grow again.

Now this time though Kay was here to watch and I had my phone so my husband, Fedor (fader), got to see it. It went on for hours this time, about 9 I guess. I was so excited this time I didn’t watch the clock. I was just astonished that God was giving me this miracle. I had been on the phone with Fedor later on in the afternoon after hanging up I walked out the door onto the porch and put my hand on my stomach and it just sunk into my stomach and as I looked down…..back to flat…poof! Gone! Another meltdown, the questions “why God”?

But still, no anger, because His voice was always inside of me talking to me and telling me that this was happening for a reason and although I didn’t understand it yet, I would in time.

 When God fills you, it is inexplicable. The feelings and thoughts that swim in your head. Why me? Has been echoing in my head all along and as I try to share my experiences and tell people that He is indeed real their reactions are nowhere near what I expected.

I hadn’t prepared myself for the derision, cruelty and disbelief. I only saw this as a proof that God was real and EVERYONE should know this. In my mind it solved so much at what I thought was wrong in the world from my very narrow understanding of it back then.

As I started that 3rd week after Anthony’s death and the start of things beyond my control I became aware of changes in my body. Tender breasts, nausea and a sense of smell I had only ever experienced twice in my life, and that was when I had been pregnant, over 25 yrs before.

I hadn’t thought about that aspect, that I could truly be pregnant. The strange way it had happened the previous 2 Sundays seemed more possible than an actual pregnancy. I had had my tubes tied when I was 22 yrs old. I had cervical cancer at 23 and had to have ¾ of my cervix removed and 4 yrs previous I had had my uterine lining removed and my husband had had a vasectomy 27 yr earlier.

But, hey, I was in no position to question this. I just went with it for a couple weeks (I did share all of this with my cousin and my niece) but after taking a pregnancy test and it coming back negative, I was left lost and confused again.

I noticed after the pregnancy test that my gifts of singing and dancing were gone and I believed that this was all done for a reason and that that reason was to tell the world God was returning! The joyful expected Second Coming!

As I said earlier, to me, this was all happiness and beauty, butterflies and rainbows. I wanted to share my story with the world. I sent e-mails and made countless phone calls, but none went through.

My e-mails would only say “not sent” and phones would just ring and ring, no machine ever picking up.  I did get through one day to a news station in Orlando, I talked to the “station manager”, who patiently listened to me tell my whole story for an hour. At the end of the call he politely told me that it was “very interesting but we are only accepting political stories right now”. Are you kidding me? I have called news stations before and when it wasn’t a juicy enough story they hung up on me. So, who had sat there listening to me for an hour without interrupting?  Looking back I think it was God stopping me because there was still so much for me to learn, this was just the beginning of what He had planned.

 As I searched for a way to connect to the world to get my message out, somehow I stumbled into the online Recovery community and this too was exactly as He planned it. Immediately I made friends and connections and found myself immersed in my need to help others, slowly writing my story from the beginning of my life, which now I realize was just a way for me to spin my wheels while playing out the master plan He had laid for me.

 For the next few months I threw myself into the recovery world. My connection with God was so strong and dreams and visions continued. The synchronicities were always happening. Things we call “coincidence”, looking at the clock at the same time every time, getting messages from the tv, radio, strangers in messages. Nothing that happens in life is a coincidence. This is how God communicates with us.

 As the holidays came I had met a lot of great people in recovery, I felt that God was connecting me with the people He needed to, and in my naivete I completely overlooked the fact that if there was a real God then there also had to be a real devil.

I had been writing my story and publishing a chapter a week through another miraculous connection I had made with Stop Frying Your Brain and owner Robert Henslee who had “coincidentally” found me the very first day I decided to take to Instagram because I didn’t feel my reach was getting far enough on facebook.

I was asked to tell my story live on FB off of a friends page who I truly though was chosen by God, despite the fact he kept telling me he really didn’t believe in God.

Erin Announces She’s Pregnant by GOD !!

(As she totally disrupts the choose freedom group blew them up too)

On January 2nd I did my live. I talked for 2 hours and only went as deep as telling about the miracle weight loss and my eyes. Believing I was paving the road to tell the rest, so unaware of what was about to happen yet again.

I had been studying the bible in the months that had passed and was following many religious people and I noticed the trend of the second coming and how it seemed everyone was talking about it. Predicting that 2017 would be the year it happened. I felt pretty confident that this was indeed the message.

Yet, all of the cataclysmic things the bible was predicting had not been shown to me. I was only seeing new beginnings and living in peace after He came back!

 I met a woman my age off of the page I went live from, her name is Traci and we hit it off immediately. There was a force drawing me to her. By this time, my hands and feet would “buzz” when God was involved, I was slowly learning to read His signs. I told Traci everything and she was so kind and she believed me right away. We found we could actually speak without communicating and that in itself was mind blowing! The connection was just so strong! She was even able to “see” something my friend Jess had seen at my house, an aura surrounding me. Traci picked it up the next day after Jess and I had seen it and came out with, “an aura”? That floored me. It was one thing to have that connection with God but another human being? Just Wow!

My live was a disaster as terrible things happened with the owner of the page I had done my live from and after the hurt inflicted there I pulled back, afraid to expose myself any further for a while.

While searching for answers I came across a young minister, I had no idea how young at the time, and I began to talk to him. I felt drawn to him and started talking to him. His name had triggered a story I had heard 20 yrs earlier. It turned out that the story I remembered had been his uncle and I know this minister’s father, whom he has never met. He is only 19 yrs old and I unloaded this on him. He was so mature and deep and understanding. The only answers he could give me was that I worked in miracles, signs and wonders and he had never before met someone with all of my powers. Quite a humbling thing to hear from a man of God. Many heartfelt thanks to Z!

On January 3rd, Fedor came for a visit and then went back to Mass. On the 14 th of January my friend Jess came to visit. She has a family that is full of psychics and I have known her for almost 30 yrs. She is from the small town in Mass that I had just moved from.

Her aunt had called her just before leaving and told her to ask me about the “3 crowns of Jesus”. At the time it made no sense, I assumed it meant me, Traci and Jess since Traci had picked up on the aura Jess had seen on me. We assumed it had been my son surrounding me. We all could FEEL something was coming. We had no idea what but each of us mentioned it.

The next day was January 15, 2017. I was sitting outside on my porch when suddenly I heard loud and clear, “ you’re pregnant”. I stood up to go into the house to call Fedor (Kay was gone to a friends) and my stomach started “buzzing”  with this electrical feeling, best way I can explain it. It began to grow again. I was so sure this time. Even though Fedor was getting the message that this wasn’t going to turn out how I thought. I was positive, I mean…how many times can this happen? And why the fuck am I even able to think coherently?

Fedor was exhausted and I sent him to bed, positive that I would be waking him up around midnight to finally have this baby that kept appearing and disappearing within me. However at around 11 pm when I went to go to the bathroom I just had a severe bout of diarrhea and my stomach again went totally flat.

I was shattered. Because now in only 4 months I have lost 4 children. I am prostrate on the floor sobbing hysterically begging God for an answer, believing he basically just told me I am a piece of shit!  When he chuckles (yes God has a sense of humor) and I hear “you are still pregnant”. I am able to then pull myself together, while muttering under my breath “then why are you putting me through all of this”.

Now is a good time to go back and explain some things. I had said in the first post about understanding that I was now under surveillance. That I knew my phone and TV were both hacked but the truth is it went so much further than that.

On Sept 10th the house next door had sold. It had been on the market since we had moved in in May. Yet it was actually sold on Sept 10th, the day after I was in that house and the day before the first “false pregnancy”.  It took 4 mos of repairs to a house that needed absolutely nothing for my neighbors to move in. Their hired help told me it was a sheriff and her husband a catholic priest who were moving in. If you know anything about Catholicism…..a priest can Not marry. So that was my first clue they weren’t who they were said to be. But after they were here regularly and knowing I had just lost a child and was a woman of God, there was never any communication at all from them. I mean nothing….no words ever. My neighbors who live only a few feet away carry on as though Kay and I do not exist. Not normal behavior for people, let alone a cop and a priest. So, to this day I do not know which side they play for because as I have said the presence of good means also the presence of evil.

I live on a large lake and the entire back of my house is glass. After my awakening everything that happens around me is noticed. Every small detail. What I began to see was a pattern across the lake at night with lights. There would be 3 lights at night across the lake and at 10 each night they would all go out one by one.

I still had no normal sleep pattern so I would lay in bed at night but was up and down. When I would sit up in my bed in total darkness, a light across the lake would come on. Every single time! My bedroom only had sheer curtains modesty for some reason never entered my mind so every move I made was available if one took the time to watch. My mind absorbed every detail and I knew I was being watched 24/7 and that night vision apparatus had to be involved. Being so fresh and new to all of this and utterly trusting of our world, I thought it was protection. Now I am not sure who watches me. In the months since I watch over there all of the time as they like to play games with those lights, sending messages. Yet, no one approaches me.

 I was in the grocery store a couple of months back when I was approached by 2 strange men in checkout. One of them said I looked familiar and asked if he had coached my kids in sports. Well I have only lived here for a year, I know NO ONE but my parents here and I have been hiding myself because of my secrets.

So I responded simply “no”. He then said…..you are from Massachusetts. Central Mass near New Hampshire. My house in MA is exactly in central Mass 3 miles from the NH border. Please explain! That was the end of our conversation and I have never seen them again.

On January 22 the following Sunday we had a huge storm. There was actually a tornado warning and the bells were going off. But as I watched this storm I noticed that it wasn’t hitting us directly, it was as if we were in a giant bubble. The wind didn’t touch us the lightning was shooting sideways across the sky. And we sat perfectly safe. Our power went out 3x during that storm. The transformer blew 3x. Yet when we checked our power company’s website it showed us as the only ones without power in a city of 86,000 people.

I was receiving messages both directly in my head and from lots of outside sources. I was battling in my head with thoughts that came that would seem completely impossible. More things I knew without ever having heard the possibilities. After receiving another message from outside I made the decision to do a second live. This time announcing my pregnancy and the imminent return of Jesus.

My gifts returned, able to sing and dance again. I had every symptom you could possibly have and even had a positive pregnancy test. I went to 16 weeks and was showing a normal timed pregnancy when I got up on April with and knowing something was really wrong. I told my husband I could feel something and about an hour later, my stomach went flat after unexplainable never before gas.

This time my bounce back was quick, because I know so much more now than I did before. I know this isn’t over yet, I know God isn’t done and I know someone is going to have a child of God that will usher in a new age.

What I learned from January 15th until today has been a trip. Along with Traci I was led. I have the same connection with her as with Traci. She has insane gifts as well and recently the 3 crowns of Jesus was shown to be me.. I am not claiming a title only affirming that that message had come from Him and he later reaffirmed it to me.

There have been people in this community who have been of immeasurable help. In both good and bad ways. I had an excellent teacher who showed me so much but in the end turned on me. I didn’t hold any anger only appreciated all of the help he had given me in steering me where I needed to go and sharpening my skills.

I was loathe to label myself before and even more afraid to expose myself, but that is why all of this Has happened. It isn’t meant to be kept to myself and the push I feel to release this is beyond my control.

I would like to continue on here and fill in what is really going on in this world. Nothing is as it seems. What you think is impossible is the truth and those you label “conspiracy theorists” or “tin foil hat wearers” know far more than you realize. I am not by any means the only person out there figuring out the truth. But, that is foretold also for how could we usher in a new time if He did not prepare us. He has sent prophets now just as He has in the past. We put ourselves out there knowing there will be disbelief and ridiculing. I can only say, don’t waste your breath. Nothing you can say or can convince yourself of is going to change the outcome here. This is beyond all of our controls and I am but a messenger!

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Is the drug epidemic in America part of the Agenda 21 movement?

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Can you handle the truth? The only solution to end addiction
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Erin SFYB Sr Business Dev Executive

We are all here in this addiction community for a reason, to help others escape the death grip that addiction grabs us with. The hold that causes people to do things that negate every moral fiber they have; to lie, cheat, steal and possibly to even murder. Does any other disease cause this to happen? No, because addiction is a spiritual attack that leaves us open for the devils invasion.

  Let me explain further, first you must understand that no disease is normal for the human body. They have all been engineered to make us vulnerable and to keep the population under control. Every disease also has a cure, however, you will never get it because that is not how this world works

This is satan’s realm and whether you choose to believe it or not he is very real…just as real as God

If you read The Book of Revelations (name change….mandela effect) you would soon realize that every event foretold in the bible is taking place right now as we fast approach the end of satan’s rule.

 How does addiction fit into this plan? Have you heard of a plague? Something that takes large numbers of us very quickly, what is the number 1 cause of death worldwide? Yes, addiction.

 You must understand that the deceptions in this world go deeper than you can ever imagine, we will suffice it to say that almost everything you believe to be true is a lie. I can tell you that I mean LITERALLY EVERYTHING. We are manipulated and indoctrinated from birth in an effort to pull us all from God and He is our true savior and Creator. There is no other answer for us.

 I do not expect a hands up in the air “hallelujah” here, I expect each and every one of you who reads this to research on your own. Contact me for where/how to search everything I am going to tell you, but it is all out there, YouTube is an invaluable resource but it is quickly being censored because too many of us are being awakened. The narrowgateweb.com has an EXCELLENT series that will take you through everything you need to begin this journey.

Agenda 21 is a very detailed plan put together by the elite who do satan’s bidding, this includes the governments  in each and every country.

It goes into great detail on how to knock our numbers down very quickly to implement the New World Order, satan’s plan to get us all to bow and worship him, forsaking God.

 However, God is not ignoring this, He is fighting back through those of us who have been awakened. I am not privy as to why I have been one of those chosen. I only know with every fiber in my soul that I have been and it only began with my sons death from a heroin OD. I didn’t choose this, hell, I didn’t even know it was an option until things started happening in my life that had no explanation, supernatural things that left me absolutely no doubt to God’s existence, and as the months have passed the downloads of knowledge that I did not possess on my own have continued.

As I began to tirelessly research each new subject I suddenly Knew, with no prior knowledge.

 I was astonished to find out how deep I understood every subject now in my brain, it turns out as I am connected each day to hundreds of others who have also been awakened, that God is awakening us…just as predicted in the bible, because WE are the answer, each and every one of us.

How does this affect us in the recovery community collectively? Are  you watching this community? The infighting? The personal attacks? The segregation, and discrimination in groups? This is called “divide and conquer” and it is working, because while we are busy pointing fingers at each other, treatment centers, businesses, advocates and even God we are playing right into their hands. And let me tell you….some of the pot stirrers are working for the other side, have no doubt about that. We all need to come together and understand that until we truly come together to fight the real cause of this we are only spinning our wheels. Drugs are manufactured, paid for and distributed by the government itself, that is why there is no great outcry to stop any of this.

You may be able to attack a part at your local government level but the drugs are still being pumped onto the streets by the elite who consist of the government and the controlling elite ie: The Rothschilds, The Rockefellers, The freemasons, Zionists, Skull and Bones society, satanists and luciferians as well as a host more of secret societies.

The answer is God, it always has been. If we all come together in His name then satan has no power.

He only wields power where we give it up. Our free will defeats him. God gave all of us that gift, the right to choose good or evil, unfortunately so many have followed satan’s pretty promises that never work out as we had thought for there is a price you pay for playing with him. Only God can give us the most beautiful lives we imagine and try to achieve without Him in our lives. This isn’t about religion (research religions, the pope and the vatican) it is about God and a personal relationship with Him.

 What I am seeing here is escalating every single day. Group admins who don’t want ads, treatment centers or God in their groups. Advocates turning on each other. Rumors, attacks, behind the scene drama that distracts and divides even further. My point is that how are we really helping those looking for help if we are so rolled up in controlling what others think. Not one of us will reach everyone, we all have different personalities and do not fit with everyone else. Who is to say that someone will not find success somewhere that we don’t personally approve of? That someone may not need to see something or connect with someone whom they will bond with and find recovery with. It is like a game of Red Rover, if our arms are not linked tightly together then people will fall through the lines.

I truly could go on for days but I think I have left you all with enough homework and food for thought. If we truly want to end this, true Unity with GOD is the only way we are going to do that because every other solution brings us right back to the people doing this to us, we are victims in a very real, very scary game.

 I truly love each and every one of you. God bless.

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Overdose deaths have become almost commonplace now. It’s every day that it is seen in the headlines.
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Erin Berndt SFYB Admin

From the rich and famous, to the homeless, substance abuse disorder does not discriminate. Overdose deaths have surpassed both car accident related and gun shot wound fatalities.

There is already an awful stigma attached here. Addicts are judged strictly by society and this makes seeking recovery a less than sought after reality for so many.Yesterday, it was released that a councilman in Ohio has asked that EMS stop responding to Overdose calls!
What????

The reason behind this person’s request is money. Apparently they didn’t budget their Narcan costs to the demand and their $10,000 budget has soared to $100,000. So, this man has decided that to save money he would like the EMS to just ignore calls on victims that have previously overdosed. He looks at it as a “scare tactic”.

“Sir”, addicts aren’t afraid of dying! Every time they use they play a game of Russian roulette. What does this accomplish? Where is the line drawn? No more treatment for lung cancer attributed to cigarettes or cirrhosis due to alcohol?

Overdose deaths have become almost commonplace now. By Erin Berndt Click to Tweet

Should funeral homes stop providing funerals? Perhaps shameful mass burying would better suit these people you would like to sweep under the rug?

It is sad truth that the pharmaceutical companies have created these drugs in the first place and continue to push them for profits. Now the government is trying to step in and regulate whether or not they deem a life is worthy? This is capital punishment. No crime, no trial, no jury! This is playing God. This is not solving anything. This is so very wrong!

People with substance abuse disorder are still PEOPLE! They are still worthwhile. They still deserve the same human rights that each and every one of us do. As long as society keeps stigmatising, pointing fingers and trying to remove the PEOPLE instead of the DISORDER this problem will continue to grow. So much more is needed here. More education. More awareness. More attention. More affordable treatment options.

That damn stupid Stop Frying Your Brain song kept rattling around in my head after visiting their website. It was worse than it’s a small world at Disneyland. Eventually… I would hook up with those guys and it’s all because of that one stupid song. Thanks guys you changed my life.

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On August 28, 2016, just after midnight my phone rang, it was the call I KNEW would be coming. The call I had moved 1200 miles trying to outrun. My 25 yr old son Anthony had overdosed on heroin and lost his life.

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As I said, I didn’t think this was going to happen, I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO. It doesn’t prepare you in any way when it comes though, that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier to accept. It is far worse than the imagination can create and is truly something no parent should ever have to go through. I didn’t scream at God, try to bargain or bemoan the unfairness of the reality.

 

My 25 yr old son Anthony had overdosed on heroin and lost his life by: Erin Berndt Click to Tweet

Instead, my only thought was in desperately needing to know that God had my son, that he was safe in heaven.

Even though I had not been the most faithful servant and had spent my life believing that my own life choices had earned me a place in hell, the most important thing in my life had become the obsessive need to make sure my son had made it into heaven.

The 28th was a Sunday and on Monday night I was crying to my husband that I still had not received a sign that He had my son. My husband, knowing how my son and I would watch the birds when he was younger, told me to watch my birdfeeders, that that is how my sign would come. The next morning, for the first time in my life, I saw a huge bald eagle swoop down from the heavens and I knew my son had earned his wings.

Later in the day when I shared this with my daughter she exclaimed “omg Mom, there was an eagle flying over my car yesterday” (1200 miles away).

On Wednesday my 6 yr old grandson, Anthony’s son saw one at his bus stop and on Thursday morning, Anthony’s girlfriend and her mother saw one in yet another separate town. My son’s death also helped me escape a 10 yr stint on 13 different prescriptions and I was able to completely quit cold turkey, finally accepting 4 mos later that I had been battling my own addiction silently.

After realizing fully that there is indeed a God and that He truly loves us ALL, I knew that I needed to become involved in something bigger than myself, that somehow I needed to make a difference and prove to the world that addicts are no less than any other person in this world. I needed an outlet, I needed to be involved, I needed to prove to them that they are so much more than they believe.

That they haven’t been written off and forgotten. That recovery is possible. That pasts don’t matter to God. That everything they think is unforgivable inside of them is just their own fears and not based in any truth.

I started Holy Spirit Recovery for exactly that reason, to help addicts, parents, siblings, spouses and even friends to understand that addiction isn’t a choice and it does not negate anyone’s future capabilities. I started in the hopes that in my future I would be able to reach an even higher calling, to directly impact lives on a daily basis.

To provide hope and instill in all that God loves us equally despite our pasts. My plans are to continue to help anyone who needs my help in any way from finding rehab for a loved one to just being a kind word that someone desperately needs to hear. My son’s death was not in vain and as I work my way toward the future I am confidant that someday I will find a way to help ensure that everyone who needs treatment is able to find it and afford it!

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I thought my father was Evil… Chapter 6

Evil Dad

erinkberndt

Loving Mom

When Dick & I had broken up, there had been so many fights & regrets. I was already wishing I had not chosen to be w him because he terrified me. He had a very tough guy reputation at 19 yrs old, There were other girls. Lies. Oh but the sex, that was great.

I was happy & content living w my Mom & Butch, he was a great man. I found some babysitting work in Fitchburg, Dick’s best friends, brother & his wife. They had 3 kids & I spent a lot of time w them throughout the pregnancy.

Dick didn’t do much for the baby at all while I was pregnant. I went to school & tried my hardest to make sure I graduated, to give my baby the best possible life I could as a single mom. I’m remembering now, after mom had left & before I was thrown out, that is when Dick broke up w me. He’s always had “great timing”. i was devastated at first, inconsolable. My best friend narya was mad at me, because I had slept w her boyfiend before she met him, so I really had no one to go through this with, & Dad, HA-HA. He had no clue how to deal w me, so he called Gramma. I remember so well, her saying, “Honey, it’s ok, you’re better off without him. I’ve seen the way he looks at you & he doesn’t look at you with love in his eyes”. I accepted that then & for far too long! The truth is the truth, even if you refuse to believe it.

I thought my father was Evil... Chapter 6 Click to Tweet

Althea thought I would have a boy & Rocky would have a girl, she was so good to us during my pregnancy, she bought a high chair, playpen, clothes & bedding. Dick delivered them. While i planned mine & what I was positive would be my daughter’s future, Dick partied & slept w girls much younger than even me.
My Mom & step dad helped a lot too. my step dads youngest daughter Tina & I became close, she had a 9 mo old daughter herself & was a year younger than me. She gave me all of her daughter Ashley,s clothes. They were beautiful. My Mom never thought to throw me a shower, but then again, she was estranged from my Dad & that side of the family as well as her own. Our friend Kerry threw me & Rocky a shower. Just us & about 6 friends. She did a great job, but it was nothing like what Rocky’s family did for her.

evil dad 1

I did everything right throughout my pregnancy, eating right, exercising, no drugs or alcohol. I continued on with school. Sometime near graduation time, Narya “forgave” me & we picked up our friendship just as it had been. I didn’t go to Senior Prom, Dick wouldn’t take me & the 30 yr old My Mom was pushing me on was more than willing to take me. I refused, worried everyone would think that he was the father of my baby.
Pregnancy changed the way people treated me, even though that should have solidified my “slut” status. Yet, girls were so much kinder, a few speaking to me for the first time in 12 yrs. Others helping me if I happened to miss a class.

I made it & graduated from high school 6 mos. pregnant. Mom & Butch were there, but no one else. Even though the high school was only a mile from my Dad’s house. He did not come. I had been visiting Gramma & grampa after school when I would have an OB class after school & wait for Mom to pick me up after work to catch a ride back to Fitchburg. They gave me a $100 for graduation. I was so proud to be able to buy Gabrielle, after my friend who had died in *th grade, a car seat bumper pad & sheets for her crib. even though I didn’t have one at that point.

evil man

Dick was supposed to have been at graduation, it hurt so bad that he couldn’t even bother to show. Not the first nor last time a major event would be missed by him. He did end up buying the crib the people I was babysitting for had used for their 3 kids & I was happy w that & he bought the mattress. That’s it.
Just before my due date of August 1, 1988, I was at my grandparent’s house & my father showed up. That was the day that he told me he loved me for the FIRST time in my life. He asked me to move back home & take care of my brothers & he would help me w the baby. I talked to Mom & we agreed this was the best move for me. The family I had been babysitting for moved me down 3 flights of stairs 25 miles back to Athol & up 2 flights, provided the truck & charged me nothing. They were so good to me.

Chapter #1  My Nightmare Turned Miracle (The beginning)
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My Descent Into Hell

Hell

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Loving Mom

So it was, that I headed to Winchendon to meet the girl’s new love interests. I was extremely happy w my Boyfriend in VT. he was 5 yrs older, had a great job, treated me well & we had been together for about 6 mos. Minus the break up time, when he refused to take me to my Junior Prom.

 I went to Winchendon, having no idea that the ride I was making would become my future, the one I would spend 22 yrs trying to escape.

 We ended up at a decent home, This was where Rocky & Janes new men lived. It was their parents 2nd home & the 2 of them rented it. I met Frank & Dick. Rocky & Frank seemed very happy, but Dick didn’t really go near Jane all that much. When we left Jane had us all yell “we love you dick”. Dick got my number from Rocky & started calling me. I kept telling him he was supposed to like Jane. Unfortunately, he did not. Why o Why, is hindsight 20/20? They really deserved each other,

My Descent Into Hell Chapter 5 Click to Tweet

 Everytime we went to Winchendon, Dick would find me & when I was home he’d be calling me. What I would’ve done then, had the term Stalker been defined back then, we’ll never know. I was instead flattered by all the attention, so much so, that I called my bf in VT & ended it. He was upset & sarcastically said ‘Is it because we fight so much?” he was right, we didn’t fight. everything was good, but Dick had me intrigued. The irony was that I ended up reconnecting w the old bf on fb just a couple of mos ago. He didn’t remember saying that, but it had stuck in my head because it turned out that that was the truth. i equated love w violence. That thin line between love & hate.

 I was going camping in the State Park, Lake Dennison, when Dick offered to come get me since Rocky & Jane were already at the campsite. I didn’t make it to the campsite that night. Dick kissed me on the beach in a beautiful, romantic setting, our 1 st kiss. Honestly, it was bad, no stars, so spark, nothing. He was an awful kisser & that should have been enough to stop me. Nope, not me, too self conscious of what he’s going to think of me if I try to go. I stay & have sex w him, surprisingly that was good, really good & that’s where he had me.

hell 1

 He dropped me off at his house & I became his girlfriend. Mom, was having an affair while Dad was at work, so I used that to blackmail her into letting me spend weekends at Dick’s. I was working so he would drop me  off & pick me up. He was a true partier. 3 weeks into our relationship we got in a huge fight at a big party. some girl wanted to beat me up over him & really I don’t remember much, except that he sided with her & made me sleep on his bedroom floor that night! There were always girls in & out of his house, always excuses about who they were.We made it 3 months w him bragging he wanted a baby & to spend the rest of his life w me. He’d been saying I love you since the 2nd night together. I got pregnant fast, at first he was excited. Rocky & Frank were expecting too.

 I’m going to tell you more about Frank & Dick’s family. They had a very successful porta potty business, Frank Pygmy  Sr. had been raised poor & built himself a lucrative business. he was married to his 2nd wife Althea. Frank Sr’s 1st wife had given him 4 boys & Althea had given him 4 girls. The youngest was only 3 when I first met them. In the beginning they were very welcoming & I was very comfortable w them. Frank Sr always scared me, he reminded me of my own father, as he had shown up to fight w Dick on a couple of occasions & then kicked us out into the night, to find sleep elsewhere, even though Dick paid rent. He always told me horror stories of how Althea beat the boys, didn’t let them eat w her girls, or shower in her shower, they had to use the creepy cellar instead. He told of beatings & torment as bad as mine.  Then there was the fact that his real mother had not been seen since his 3rd birthday. He was 19 & I was 17.

 He broke up w me shortly after we found out I was pregnant, he changed his mind….yeah & was screwing every under age girl he could. I spent my pregnancy away from him & saw little of him. I did date some while i was pregnant

hell 2

 When my mother had to finally tell my father I was pregnant, home suddenly got really bad, Mom had met someone & she ended up leaving me & the boys alone w him. I was pregnant so there wasn’t anything else he had to worry about me, I was dating & going to parties, sober. One night he had come home drunk & my friend Olivia had been living w us, we were heading out w a guy I was dating & his friend, who was black. Besides, being an asshole, my father was also, very racist. He tried to stop us from leaving. I went anyway, thinking I would come home a little late & he’d be out cold  & not even remember what had happened.

 I couldn’t have been farther from the truth, we got home late & the house was pitch black & dead quiet. We slipped in the front door & the living room light clicked on. There sat my deepest fear, evil glowing in his drunken red eyes. Hatred seeping from him in pools. He stood up & said “You both get the fuck out of my house, you,”he pointed at Olivia, “you have half an hour to pack your shit”. “You”, me now. “you have an hour to pack your shit & get the fuck out of my house”.

 We were out in the dark @2 am, trying to get somewhere. Olivia’s Mom came & got her. I had to swallow my pride & call my mom & her new boyfriend. They came right away from 30 miles & picked me up & took me in. He was a great man, treated my mom like a queen. Living w them was peaceful. They had a Bait & Tackle Shop that I happily ran on the weekends so they could have a life. Plus I was paid & buying things for the little miracle I was growing.

 

Chapter #6 My Evil Father

Evil Dad

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A Narcissist or TwoNarc

I have not been visible the last few days. A knee jerk reaction, to pull myself away from hurt and hide in my home. I thought that after my son’s death that there wasn’t anything that could hurt me, that there was nothing worse that could happen.

erinkberndt

Loving Mom

There really isn’t, yet more betrayal has really set me back. Seeing as how it took me 2 hrs to tell my life story on a Live Feed. I was content writing my story one chapter at a time & releasing it weekly. I was found by someone who befriended me & when I felt comfortable I agreed to do this.

I have always had anxiety & depression & if you know anything about my life, you can probably understand why. I spent the weeks leading up to that huge step for me, trying to come up w a plan on how to include my life in a defined amount of time. I could not figure out how I was going to do this successfully, when I struggle w self esteem & anxiety, But, I had so much encouragement behind me that I set my mind to getting it done.

As a writer, of course, I wanted to plan & compose the timeline. Yet I knew trying to read my story live would be too awkward. So, I went into it with no plan, except to tell it like it was. I talked for 2 hrs, and I missed a lot. I started fighting & trying to help people almost immediately after my son’s death, I needed a purpose, a meaning to my life. I have tried suicide twice in my life while in my abusive first marriage, I tried overdosing on my medication. the first time, after I took the pills, I called and told someone…….my ex knew, but did nothing. I was taken to the hospital and had to have my stomach pumped. They didn’t take me in for observation because I told them I was leaving the marriage because I knew it was bad when I was willing to take my own life in the house w my children sleeping upstairs.

The second time was after becoming disabled, almost, 10 yrs later, I took an entire bottle of Valium. My ex husband did not call for help he watched me as I became crazy & incoherent & when I went to bed & passed out finally, I prayed for the end. My ex claimed he watched me all night but as an active alcoholic & addict I don’t believe he had enough care in any of himself to pay attention. My kids were home that night & they watched too, no one ever thought to get me help. I gave up caring after that & finally was able to rid myself of my abusive ex within the year.

My reason for this story is this: I was asked to do the live feed, convinced to do it actually. I gave my story freely as a gift.The death of a child is so traumatic, the mind and body are at odds and you lose control over both of them. When you are abused throughout a life filled with one traumatic event after another, You learn to box all of your emotions & memories up in your head & lock them away so that you can continue to move on & function in day to day life.

I went on to do my feed & I had to open & pull down so many emotions & memories. I thought I had done rather well, as I was not doing it for any reason except to raise awareness in every aspect of abuse & addiction I had been through. To share my pain, in the hopes that abused women, might find the courage to leave unhealthy relationships, and above all to think about how that abuse affects children, as well as the tragedy of losing a child to addiction. To help parents become aware of signs, to love but not enable, to help them when they’re ready for help. I did it for the person who asked me too.

Two nights ago the recovery/addiction community was rocked w rumors of betrayal. I checked facts & sources & based upon those, I made the decision to back away from the negativity, because it was about the person I had given my story to, I have been sick since, migraines, no food or sleep. Betrayal cuts deep. Our whole community is affected & hurt. We are warriors though and we will continue to spread our message and offering our assistance.

I learned I had even been called a “bottom feeder” and he complained that I did not show enough emotion for my son. For anyone who first of all has no children and second of all is not with me during my private grieving to say things like that was so painful. however, to learn of the truth behind his intentions has left me and many very shaken.

I thought I was in a good place. Three separate attacks were more than I could handle. I have had a woman who knew me as a child attack me for posting my story, and last night after my video being out for over a week my daughter watched it and launched her attack on me also. She is disgusted in me, a normal frame of mind for her, because I told the truth. She is mad because I made HER look bad. How could I do that to HER? My only biological child. I lament our differences all the time. I have tried over and over trying to prove to this child that I love her. It’s not about me. It never has been for her.

The term I was given to describe the person who had betrayed me (everyone else also affected) was narcissistic. This is actually not the first person I had learned was a Narcissist. My daughter is one. After my son’s death, my daughter’s behavior was so extreme, I did not know how to deal with her, she made my loss completely her own, even though we had all lost someone. She had my mail rerouted to her house for 2 and a half months, so this was how I really could define the complete behavior so completely in so few words. It is titled:

The Narcissist’s Prayer:

That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, it’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And it it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if i did,
It’s Your fault.

And so, that is where I leave it. There are so many different forms of mental illness. It can be easily hidden. Is not discussed enough. It is not easy to detect because the brain changes normal thought processes into manipulation, guile, and deceit. A mentally ill person can live for so many years undetected, until they finally make that fatal mistake that brings their condition, glaring into the Light.

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Confessions from a Blind AddictBlind Women

erinkberndt

SFYB Author

I have a lot to say, I am a grown woman, mother and Grandmother. My life has never been easy & my choices were often poor, but I made them w good intentions. Believing only in myself, not following my gut, and tearing open the scab that covered my never healed wounds from my abused life. I’ve never been one to quit. Yet I did.

I gave up & pulled myself into the virtual existence of a recluse, not just confined to my house, but to my bedroom, only seeing family who came to me or on holidays. I pulled away from all of my friends. I lived in the little bubble I had created for almost 9 years.

It started w the fourth car accident in an 8 week period that followed 2 kidney stone surgeries. All 4 of them were rear enders, I was a passenger in 3 and driver in one. That fourth one was it for my body. I immediately had pain in my arms. and knew something was wrong. After testing they determined I had blown a disc in my neck and needed immediate surgery. I had just gotten a great promotion at work and just wanted the surgery over. I was confident, as I had a pretty deep history of successful surgeries.

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I had a metal plate screwed into the front of my spine. It was supposed to be a quick fix but it didn’t work. I tried to go back to work doing extremely light work, but didn’t make it a full week. The pain was insane, headaches, stiff, and miserable. I was still living with my abusive ex husband who did nothing to help me. I tried moving out shortly after the surgery and had to have a second surgery less than 3 mos later. I came out of that surgery even worse, I lost all feeling in my right thumb & fought with my surgeon, later learning he had cut my nerves during surgery and I had almost bled out 3 times on the table. I was told because my neck was so small, that the nerve had been right up against my spinal cord so he could not cauterize or electrocute as they would normally have done.

I had to go back to my ex because I couldn’t live on my own. I was now on so many medications, which I had no ill effects and never questioned the prescriptions I took daily. Before the accidents, I had already had several health issues arise. HBP, anxiety, depression and high cholesterol. Heart disease killed my father at 51. The only bad things I inherited from that hateful child abuser.

After surgery added to Lisinopril, simvastatin, Valium and Cymbalta, were Neurontin, Flexeril, percocet 10’s, and Lidocaine patches for lower back issues. I always followed my med list and took only as prescribed, my marriage finally ended and I thought life was going to improve. It did for awhile and I met and married my current husband and I began raising his 2 young children 10 & 12 at the time. Their mother neglected them and partied leaving them to experiment, be abused and ultimately fall apart.

I have two children of my own and they were grown, my oldest, my daughter, lived on and off with us and my son was sinking into a life of drugs.

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I started pulling myself out of the world, I ended up w 3 children all in active addiction and my world narrowed down to therapy, hospital visits, and traumatized children. My health declined and I gained weight. The Dr. added to my list Meclizine for dizziness and Vitamin D3, I had to up my pain medication from just Percocet to Percocet and oxycontin. I still took only as prescribed and the Dr ended up switching me from oxycontin to Morphine and Fioricet for migraines. I took 2 Morphine 30 mg tabs a day and a Percocet at night and the Fioricet as needed.

Except, as my world narrowed so did my desire to be awake. My son severed 3 fingers and a thumb in Dec 2013. The Nurse at the hospital told me he had admitted to Heroin use and had Hepatitis C. He had given me a beautiful grandson in 2009, Two years after that first surgery, Aiden arrived.So I had one on Heroin, a cutter and an alcoholic, pill user. Never once questioning myself.

In March of 2106. 3 overwhelming events took place in 3 days. First I had run into my son in the cemetery behind my house and I was with my daughter and Aiden,and my youngest grandson, from my daughter. We talked and had a nice chat. My son and my grandson’s Mom had been unable to care for him and they were young so Aiden’s maternal grandmother has custody. I had Aiden every week and it was up to me who on our side of the family was allowed to see him. I hadn’t been told that my son couldn’t see Aiden anymore. Later that night when I told his grandmother that we had run into my son I was forbidden from seeing him again. The day after that on my sons 25th birthday I went to my neurologist and was at 213 lbs, on a CPAP at night because i stopped breathing 80 times an hour , I was told if I didn’t make a serious change in my life

Florida sign

I wasn’t going to be around much longer. Those 3 events pushed me into moving from MA to FL, the day after.I was sleeping 20 hrs a day and still taking all my meds as prescribed in those 4 hrs and still not questioning myself.

On Aug 27th, I was not feeling right, restless, anxious and………..
I couldn’t sleep, I never had the ringer on my phone on, because I did not want to face reality, At 12;13 am on Sunday morning Aug 28th, my world imploded as my phone began to ring. My son was unresponsive and on the way to the hospital, I knew he was already gone.

The pain of losing a child is not describable there are simply no words. My husband was still in the house in MA because my stepson was on probation and in treatment. My stepdaughter, only 3 weeks out of her last hospitalization lived with me.

I turned to God immediately. he gave us sign after sign. I went through physical and mental Hell that week. My body would accept nothing and kept pouring out everything. I could not sleep and had to fly to MA completely dehydrated, I stayed that way until the following Sunday when GOD TOOK OVER, on the brink of death, completely off of the meds because there had been no sense trying to take them.
I was physically and mentally, completely and utterly, transformed in the next 3 weeks…………Transcended actually…………….To Be Continued

Hint: recurring number???

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The Abuse within Addiction

domestic-violance

erinkberndt

SFYB Author

I’ve seen some articles written lately on a topic that seems to have been left out of the backlash of living with addiction. My ex husband & I both came from abusive homes with fathers who were alcoholics & held women in a very low regard.

Looking back, of course, 29 yrs later, I can so plainly see what I didn’t then. That we were poison before we even met & our childhoods contributed heavily to us following what was for us, normal. The relationship just should never have happened, there were enough signs, but all that dysfunction had me thinking I had found

The One. oh, Dear Lord, how I wished I had followed those signs. The first time he kissed me was awful, honestly, it was the worst kiss ever, no chemistry. Yet I continued on to sex and that’s where he had me.He left me alone to sleep alone after he got me pregnant. Lived w me after she was born, claiming he was not my boyfriend, even though we were living & sleeping together. He said he loved me a lot in the very beginning and even though he told me he didn’t love me, I convinced myself differently.

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We got married 3 yrs later & what had always been a rocky relationship became my hellish reality. He wasn’t really around much too much drinking & cheating, some nightd he never came home. When he was around there were violent fights, things always got broken, the most common was the phone cord to call for help.
By this time, he had me convinced I was fat, stupid, ugly & lazy. I knew I wasn’t any of those things, yet when you’re told your whole life screwed up things, your mind becomes screwed up.

Codependence. We will not leave, we can not leave. We are terrified & truly convinced we are unlovable. In my case it was his love for our daughter that held me prisoner, I had never had my father’s love & she had both of her parents. Then Anthony came along he had no interest in his son, only our daughter. He wasn’t abusive to the kids he only abused me, while they watched as he twisted my daughter’s mind into believing that I was jealous of her because he loved her more. I tried explaining to her that the love he had for us was supposed to be different & that I stayed for that reason, to no avail.

At one time we lost our kids to Dept of Social Services. My aunts had been reporting us for years. This was when I had joined into the heavy drinking. We were having nightly parties, my ex was doing coke and I just wanted out. I just had no way to go. There were restraining orders, I had left once and he followed right behind, always promising to change.

Things were bad, really bad. By now with my drinking I had begun to fight back. He would pull the wires out of car so I couldn’t leave, & always the phone lines were cut. He was a very tough guy. Strong & mean. Infamous in the tiny shitty town we lived in. He was always in a fight, no one ever dared to press charges, except a couple but nothing happened.

He did terrible things that he would only confess too when completely drunk, one time a couple small kittens disappeared, at first he claimed to know nothing, until one night when he wanted to hit me as low as he could, he told me he had taken the kittens up the mountain to the farm & threw them out & the vultures had grabbed them. was horrified. The next day the story changed to “he had driven way out of his way to drop them off in an elderly project. I am not a stupid person by any means, but I was so fucking stupid.

This was me nightmare for 22 yrs, along with many health issues and no help after major surgeries, I really believed he was hoping I would just die. Just like I wished he would too.
When the state took the kids we got therapy & stopped drinking for 4 yrs. They were the only 4 yrs that weren’t terror filled, yet we still fought.

He became obsessed with traveling and had become a closet drunk on pain pills & completely crazy, so lost there were most nights he didn’t remember, I, of course, did. He was forced to take anger management classes twice from restraining orders I had gotten trying to escape. Yes, I tried. But, inside I was still his property, inside I rationalized it a million different ways, I made a million and one excuses for him.
Until that final straw, that one thing that changes everything, for me, it came with restraining order #6.

Now 22 yrs into the relationship in 2009, our daughter is 21 and working a job making $40 a week, no motivation to do anything, our son was 18 & had gotten his 15 yr old girlfriend pregnant, and I had been disabled in 4 car accidents in an 8 week span that left me needing neck surgery. after the 2nd surgery I was disabled. My daughter harbored so much hatred toward me that she had pushed me backwards down a flight of stairs from a full run, luckily my ex caught me. He had begun taking our sons adderall and convinced our son to stop taking it. This is when my ex began drinking & smoking with our son at 15, so at 18, he was in and out of the house, selling pot for his uncle and slowly sinking away.

One day in early June Anthony, our son was at the house with his girlfriend & my ex caught them having sex, a fist fight ensued and I called the police I put a restraining order on him & had every intention to end it. I didn’t renew the restraining order when it expired after a month. That night stayed up way late, had the house barricaded as best as I could, finally when I had to go to bed I shut off the lights and went to bed. Five minutes later and he was back in, a wake of smashed doors behind him. He pointed out it was his house too & there was nothing I could do. I was stuck again.

On June 10th 2009, he came home out of his mind, he was screaming at me, but not at me, he thought I was some guy from work, this was not the first time this had happened.There were many of those nights, one night he almost killed me by choking me on our kitchen floor, thinking i was some scumbag drug dealer. He went upstairs & completely tore up our bedroom door, when he came back downstairs and continued his drunken tirade. I called the police…….again.

When the cop was talking to me, he made this statement “Erin, this is the 6th restraining order, you’ve had. when you gonna let one stick”. That was my moment. I kept that order on him for 2 yrs. I met my soul mate, one month after I got rid of the dead weight.

I understand his addiction more today & realize he will never get help & be the same person. The point is you do not need to be a slave to addiction or domestic violence. Help is always a phone call away. If you’re waiting for a man to save you, you will only find a man exactly like you have. Letting go of the past is hard but absolutely necessary. You need to value yourself, love yourself enough to change your expectations in life. There is a whole world you miss in a violent life & also locked in addiction. We are WORTH it, just as worth it as every other person on the planet.

Don’t stay in a bad marriage for all the wrong reasons. I did. I worried life would’ve been worse on my children f I had left. My son is now dead and my daughter isn’t speaking to me. Now I would also like to point out this is just as true for men caught in violent relationships, with abusive women. Abuse is NOT love.

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Let The Hate Flow Through You

erinkberndt

SFYB Author

Today’s musings are something I hate to even need to address. We are full swing into attacking addiction and gaining enough momentum to actually make an impact and begin dropping the numbers of death attributed to this much misunderstood Disease. Yes, DISEASE, the Surgeon General has made it official. That puts so much of the stigma added to addiction into a whole new light.

Now that we KNOW addiction is a disease, there are still those people who can just not grasp it as fact. I have seen people say “well. I just don’t understand it”. Yet, do you understand, Cancer, Diabetes, Lupus, or any of the other thousands of diseases? Not without extensive education, you don’t.

This is what our movement is all about; raising awareness & helping to educate those interested in learning, as well as those who steadfastly push us away. Our main goal is to save the unnecessary deaths that are raging out of control. Having addiction finally recognized for what it is, should start opening doors for easier ways to get treatment. Hopefully it will also, give us the power to now effectively educate the younger generations before they ever decide to experiment.

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It is a sad fact that there are far too many of us that have had addiction touch us personally, whether we were raised in it, had a close family member or friend, or even ourselves. Addiction is prevalent in this world right now.

I think that we are very lucky to have social media to help spread the message, to reach out to those who are feeling hopeless and prove to them that recovery is 100% possible and achievable. The recovery community is strong and very widespread, thanks to facebook, instagram, the world wide web. We can reach so many people with very little effort.

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This all should be a good thing. There should be dancing in the streets, those who have been ashamed of their addiction should be able to confidently state “ I am an addict & I need help’. PERIOD!!! We know what it is, we understand why it happens & we know it is NOT a choice. I pray I never hear the words “they chose to do it, they deserved to die”, ever again in my life.

In my case the words spoken were “why is everyone crying, when they knew this was coming”, as at the hospital the Dr’s were fervently trying to pound life back into my 25 yr old son. The attempt was unsuccessful and the knife in my heart spoken by my daughters boyfriend as she hovered over her dead brother’s body, uttered to my husband who had been there through it all. I feel disgust for this person, I forgive his ignorance but also worry for his own sister is a Heroin addict also. He himself an alcoholic. His behavior and dress for the wake and funeral and lack of support to my daughter was almost inhumane.

She was raised amidst my own bouts w alcohol, depression, anxiety, pot, coke & being mentally, physically and emotionally abused. Her father is an alcoholic and very bad addict. She has not broken the cycle yet.
To help get our messages out easier, the invention of going Live on Facebook Has provided a platform for us to share our stories, along with our real emotions. It is far more impactful than trying to read a very long story. So much technology, fewer & fewer have the time to dedicate to a book, but social media has changed everything.

Hand holding a pen over paper.

I had been writing my story, very slowly, letting out a chapter a week. I started out this way and was fine continuing on this way, because I had so many confessions to make that it did not feel like I was throwing myself out there bare, to face the criticism I was expecting. It was during this time that everyone began telling their stories live. I have been embroiling myself very deeply in the addiction/recovery community, and was finding support and understanding where I wasn’t finding it from the people I would’ve expected it from.

I was found by William Marotta of Choose Freedom, he had started airing a person’s story each night. He convinced me to do it. So, on January 2nd at 7pm I went Live, I spent 2 hours talking and still have plenty more to talk about ( if you would like to watch it, check Choose Freedom or my own facebook page).

My problems began last night with a post to my page stating that I had no right to tell MY life story on the “www.” At first I was furious and I would usually have closed in and cut the person to pieces. I began to respond when I reconsidered and pulled myself back & asked God to handle it for me. The message I ended up sending stated that she needed to educate herself, that it seemed she was harboring some anger & hate, and that she needed to find God. As it is my page & my life, it was of no concern to her. She is a 66 yr old woman that knew me when I was a small girl whose father hated her & beat the crap out of her simply because she existed. Other than that I do not know her.

I was happy with my response & expected it to end with that. She wasn’t done, she then told me I was helping no one, that I did not know God & that she had helped far more people in her life than I would ever touch, (one life touched is enough for me). I went on to other things when my notifications started lighting up, my family & friends had come to the rescue & tore her up. I tried to calm the fray, but chose not to be mean and avoided pulling out the me, that can drop someone to their knees with my choice of wording (it’s a gift)…….I thought it was over.

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A few minutes later more notifications and another attack, this time telling me how disgusting I was sharing my story to make people feel sorry for me. I am a warrior of God, I don’t need pity. I let the family & friends have at it & just tried to remain aloof. It was then God pointed out to me that I had already answered why she was reacting this way. She blocked me & then sent another request so I accepted it, maybe this was over????

Nope, this morning the comment. “Proud of your friends? mine are better” was on my page & she was already being eaten alive by my protectors. I went on her page. What I learned there turned my feelings of anger into pity……For HER. Her marriage was abusive, I don’t know how long she endured it, but there were no posts from friends, only lonely posts & game achievements. The post that caught my eye was about how a few of her friends from her old job had reached out to her, so her husband had been wrong in telling her that she had no friends.

When I asked God to answer for me, he as always showed me the truth. You see after my son died, I thought I was next, I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Instead I was chosen by God. He healed me & gifted me in so many different ways. HE is the reason I am doing what I am doing, He has been gently(sometimes not so gently, if I’m not paying attention) guiding me to fulfill my destiny. To help others heal & find the truth in God Himself.

So, to all of you throwing negativity and hatred in our direction, know that it will be met, with answers from us……God’s Warriors!!!!

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  • Lost In Limbo? Hey if you need a friend and some help reach out to me Robert @ 772.206.6676 If you’re a service provider and wish to become a member of our network call John...
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