My whole life I’ve suffered from depressionDepression

Rich Walters

Rich Walters SFYB Senior Editor/Author

I grew up around a mother who suffered, an uncle and a grandmother….It has to be genetic…..It’s one of the most debilitating feelings you could ever imagine….It’s root cause is FEAR

Fear destroys more people than any other human emotion……I was always afraid…..Afraid of losing loved ones….Afraid of dying…..Afraid of failure…..Afraid to be around good people because i felt less than…..Afraid of being who God intended me to be which is a loving and caring individual out of fear of being called weak…..I WAS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING!!!! This fear would eventually snowball into CRIPPLING DEPRESSION……

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My depression was so severe it would render me useless…..It’s the kind of depression that’ll make you bed ridden and that’s a terrible place to be….You don’t want to get out of bed to take a shower or brush your teeth and GOD FORBID IF YOU HAD TO VENTURE INTO SOCIETY…..Because you felt less than any other human being you’d come into contact with…..If you felt the way i felt then life just wasn’t fair…..I was always given the short end of the stick…..

That’s about the time i discovered drugs and alcohol…..These substances completely removed any fear i had….they made me fearless……I didn’t have a care in the world and when you’re a person DRIVEN by fear that says a lot…..No wonder I chased the dragon for 20 years……Drugs and alcohol were the solution to all my problems…..Once i graduated college i drifted into the real world…..

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But i was too afraid of getting a job……I was terrified that if i wasn’t the best at my job immediately then i was a defective piece of crap…..I couldn’t even make sales calls unless i was loaded because i was too afraid to talk……I couldn’t hang out with women because i was too up tight……I couldn’t have sex because I was too tense…..I always had to be loaded…..If i wasn’t loaded i was scared to death……This continued on for many years until i sat down with a person who told me that i was scared to death….

Allways Afraid

That i was always afraid….Even then i didn’t want to admit it…..I’d say something like ” I’m not afraid of ANYTHING…..i might be paranoid…but I’m not afraid”…..That’s when i had discovered the true meaning of fear…..I always knew i was depressed but i never knew i was afraid….I was afraid because i didn’t have any faith…..I was told that if your fear is high your faith is low…..Today i have healthy fears such as getting high or getting drunk…I know that if i get high or drunk my life is over….

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But i also have real fears such as losing a loved one to drugs…..This fear is very real…..But at some point i have to turn it over to God or I’ll go insane……I’m no longer depressed because my life is full and I’m grateful for the things that i do have…..I don’t worry about the things that i don’t have……I literally live every moment THANKFUL…..i say it all the time….If you’re a guy like me then every day is thanksgiving…..My life is full of purpose and meaning……

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My happiness and self worth no longer hinges on money and material things….My external world doesn’t determine my mood…In recovery I’ve discovered that happiness and contentment is an inside job…….I have also learned about gratitude and gratitude is an action word…..If I’m grateful for what i have then how am i showing it??? Am i trying to give back?? The answer to that is yes…..I want people to find what I’ve found….

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Because if you’ve suffered from depression and addiction then you know the pain I’ve felt and I’ll do everything in my power to help you escape that miserable existence……It can be a lonely cold world but once you’ve found God you’ll never be alone again…..And once you’ve found recovery, you’ll never be alone again……So if you’ve ever felt this way come and find me…..I’ve found a way out……Thank you and God bless!!!!

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