Whats The Most Important Thing In Life
America has been fighting a war with a Silent Killer that is more deadly then anything else in the world. Statistics show that the number one cause of death is overdosing from drugs. Last year I was furious at the response of people based on the media so I went out to share my voice based on my journey educating and studying different aspects of addiction.
I quickly became engulfed with ideas and then follow through. My mission to show people a different way to live with our disease and how to spread the word. My story begins with me writing in a site that I am refraining from mentioning as a result of conflict of interest. People don’t like my honesty and get upset when they ask the truth. I call it being a real badass bitch because I said, no time for bulshit and pettiness.
The world may have been cruel and given me quite the ride, but I held the bull by its horns and rode as hard as I could this past week has been amazing. I ended up doing something that I never imagined possible, I was scared but I remember the warriors who are fighting beside me so I mustered the courage to go to the Inauguration Events representing some of the best people in the business
www.and did so many things that I never imagined possible.
I went from being a confused sober drug addict that was completely isolated from herself and society but yet I set out on a journey join me for updates on my adventure as a recovery ambassador.
There was point in my life that I use to think that men or women who were working a process in their lives to better their lives were sell outs or just weak people. I felt this way for years until I myself began my own own process of change and a process of recovery and healing.
Now that I am in this process it is my opinion that these same people that are doing their process are the most courageous people I know! Being courageous does not mean that you do not have fear, that’s something each and every one of us has. Being courageous means that you do not let fear stop you in your process. And this is exactly who we are.
None of us knew what to expect coming into this. We had great fear of the unknown but we chose to do it anyways. We knew something had to be done, so for many of us we faced our fears for the first time instead of covering them up and running from them. Aren’t you glad you did?
Yes, we still face fears on a daily basis but the courage we need to not let the fears stop us we now have in this process. Thru this process and God we have learned that nothing can stop us but ourselves. So keep fighting WARR; ORS and be the COURAGEOUS people we are! God bless each one of you as you continue your journey.
One of the biggest keys to making this process work in our lives whether it’s about addiction or depression or suicide or just a life changing process, is trusting this process to work, and allowing the changes that it brings to happen in our lives.
I know anybody like myself trust can be a hard thing to even begin to do. When we have lived the life we have lived and done the things in our lives we have, we struggle at times with trusting anything even ourselves. This will come in due time. But in this process we sometimes just have let go of our insecurities and have faith that by doing so it will get us to where we need to be.
Trust they often say Is earned and once it’s broken it may be very hard to get back. Well that can be true cause we lost trust In ourselves at some point in our lives to do the right things and to make the right decisions. That’s when we realized our lives where out of control.
In this process and in life we have to trust in something. What better thing to trust in then the process that is saving your life. As you trust this process and let it work in your life it teaches you to trust yourself to do the right things every day. And slowly as we begin to trust in ourselves we learn to trust in others and life becomes such a better life for all of us. Clear your heart and mind of the doubts that you have and let this process work in you for the better you. Trust yourself trust this process and trust in God. God’s got you if you will let him he will see you through! Have a most wonderful day my friends. God bless you.
KEEP GOING AND KEEP GROWING!
The answer to that question is quite simple, No we do not choose addiction, addiction chooses us. Before you fly off the handle, allow me to let you into the mind of a grateful recovering addict, and let you see my thoughts first hand on this subject.
The majority of addicts will tell you that they never wanted to be an addict. We didn’t wake up one day and decide to kill our dreams of being doctors, or lawyers, or whatever it may have been to become an addict. I know for myself, I never thought I would end up being the same person I use to look down on and talk bad about, I also didn’t know that by putting that needle in my arm the very first time that my life, at that moment, would change forever.
You see for most of us, we were running from something. We were trying to escape reality and we found a way to do so. Sure we made a choice to use, but I have yet to meet an individual that wanted to end up living the lonely dark lifestyle of an addict. But, unfortunately that’s what we got.
Many people will say it was a personal choice, and your right, it was a personal choice to use, but I know for myself I never wanted to be homeless, I never wanted to be laying in a hospital bed dead to the world. I never wanted to lose my family, my friends,my job, my life, but I did cause this disease does not discriminate at all, and once it digs it’s claws into you it’s not as easy to let go as many may think.
It’s easy for a person who has not experienced this first hand to say it’s a choice,and just like we started using we can quit. But those of us who battle this disease know all to well that’s it’s alot easier said than done. Addiction is cunning, and baffling, it fools us into believing we are just fine, that we don’t have a problem. We live this way until one day we wake up and we are laying at the bottom looking up with nowhere to go but up, and even then it’s anything but easy.
For anybody that says addiction is a choice, I say this to you…over the years i have wanted to stop the vicious cycle numerous times, not saying that it’s impossible, cause by me simply being here today shows that it is, but this disease is not something you just get over. We fight this disease every single day of our lives it never stops. Most people cannot understand the severity of this disease until it hits home. Heck, we addicts can’t even understand it fully so I know that someone looking in from the outside sure cant. We addicts are not asking to be saved, we are not asking for you to give us a pass cause we are sick, we simply ask that you attempt to be understanding to the disease before you go passing judgement and looking down on us cause we are battling this disease.
We simply ask that you love us til we can love ourselves. We will save ourselves, we will better ourselves, it just takes a little time. Be patient we are a work in progress, but WE DO RECOVER! God bless you all and my you have a amazing day.
RAYMOND C. KYLE
We all no matter where we are in life need to realize we are not alone, we are loved, we have been since the day we took our first breath. We also need to know that we do matter and that we are of some value in this life.
Many of us for years couldn’t even begin to believe cause we had clouded our thoughts and minds and hearts and souls with so much negativity and so much junk that we became lost in a world that we did not belong in.
When we began the change and we begin this process it was not a quick fix. This process allows us the chance to regain control of our lives from the inside out. It gives a second chance at life. And along the way we learn who we truly are and we realize our worth. Not who everybody else thinks we are or whatever, it’s not about that. We learn who God created us to be and we learn who God truly is on our lives. We get a personal understanding of who he is in our lives. We get to experience the greatness of our creator. His mercy and his love.
We finally get to understand how loved we are and how valuable we are in this world that can make you fell alone. Your not alone no more you never were. God is always with you but on top of that you have millions of other people who became family when you started this process the too are with you they too love you and they too know how valuable you are in this world.
Now you the great person you are should live this same way day in and day out. Quit doubting and questioning and own it love and live it. God bless you all throughout your day.
Raymond C. Kyle
When Dick & I had broken up, there had been so many fights & regrets. I was already wishing I had not chosen to be w him because he terrified me. He had a very tough guy reputation at 19 yrs old, There were other girls. Lies. Oh but the sex, that was great.
I was happy & content living w my Mom & Butch, he was a great man. I found some babysitting work in Fitchburg, Dick’s best friends, brother & his wife. They had 3 kids & I spent a lot of time w them throughout the pregnancy.
Dick didn’t do much for the baby at all while I was pregnant. I went to school & tried my hardest to make sure I graduated, to give my baby the best possible life I could as a single mom. I’m remembering now, after mom had left & before I was thrown out, that is when Dick broke up w me. He’s always had “great timing”. i was devastated at first, inconsolable. My best friend narya was mad at me, because I had slept w her boyfiend before she met him, so I really had no one to go through this with, & Dad, HA-HA. He had no clue how to deal w me, so he called Gramma. I remember so well, her saying, “Honey, it’s ok, you’re better off without him. I’ve seen the way he looks at you & he doesn’t look at you with love in his eyes”. I accepted that then & for far too long! The truth is the truth, even if you refuse to believe it.
Althea thought I would have a boy & Rocky would have a girl, she was so good to us during my pregnancy, she bought a high chair, playpen, clothes & bedding. Dick delivered them. While i planned mine & what I was positive would be my daughter’s future, Dick partied & slept w girls much younger than even me.
My Mom & step dad helped a lot too. my step dads youngest daughter Tina & I became close, she had a 9 mo old daughter herself & was a year younger than me. She gave me all of her daughter Ashley,s clothes. They were beautiful. My Mom never thought to throw me a shower, but then again, she was estranged from my Dad & that side of the family as well as her own. Our friend Kerry threw me & Rocky a shower. Just us & about 6 friends. She did a great job, but it was nothing like what Rocky’s family did for her.
I did everything right throughout my pregnancy, eating right, exercising, no drugs or alcohol. I continued on with school. Sometime near graduation time, Narya “forgave” me & we picked up our friendship just as it had been. I didn’t go to Senior Prom, Dick wouldn’t take me & the 30 yr old My Mom was pushing me on was more than willing to take me. I refused, worried everyone would think that he was the father of my baby.
Pregnancy changed the way people treated me, even though that should have solidified my “slut” status. Yet, girls were so much kinder, a few speaking to me for the first time in 12 yrs. Others helping me if I happened to miss a class.
I made it & graduated from high school 6 mos. pregnant. Mom & Butch were there, but no one else. Even though the high school was only a mile from my Dad’s house. He did not come. I had been visiting Gramma & grampa after school when I would have an OB class after school & wait for Mom to pick me up after work to catch a ride back to Fitchburg. They gave me a $100 for graduation. I was so proud to be able to buy Gabrielle, after my friend who had died in *th grade, a car seat bumper pad & sheets for her crib. even though I didn’t have one at that point.
Dick was supposed to have been at graduation, it hurt so bad that he couldn’t even bother to show. Not the first nor last time a major event would be missed by him. He did end up buying the crib the people I was babysitting for had used for their 3 kids & I was happy w that & he bought the mattress. That’s it.
Just before my due date of August 1, 1988, I was at my grandparent’s house & my father showed up. That was the day that he told me he loved me for the FIRST time in my life. He asked me to move back home & take care of my brothers & he would help me w the baby. I talked to Mom & we agreed this was the best move for me. The family I had been babysitting for moved me down 3 flights of stairs 25 miles back to Athol & up 2 flights, provided the truck & charged me nothing. They were so good to me.
Maybe not intentionally but we still do. We make choices and we allow things to go on that we should have never allowed. Many do this cause they feel that they ain’t worth much or others just get so use to it and they settle for it.
This happens in our recovery and healing process just as much as it happens at any other time as well. Many times in this process we learn as we go that not everybody and everything that we allow to be part of our lives and our process is good for us. A lot of people and things can become toxic to our process and if we continually allow these people and things to stay they can become very toxic to what we are trying to do.
Never allow somebody or something to hinder your process. You have to love yourself enough to be willing to let go of whatever it is that is holding you back or making you lose focus on what you need to be doing no matter how hard and painful it may be. Ask God to bring the right people and things in your life and remove those which you don’t need. I would tell you that those that fight to stay in your life are the ones that belong, but even sometimes those people are the ones God will remove. Call on God for the wisdom strength and understanding to help you figure out who and what you need in your life to make this process help you get the most out of life. Have a wonderful day my friends. May God bless you and your journey.
So it was, that I headed to Winchendon to meet the girl’s new love interests. I was extremely happy w my Boyfriend in VT. he was 5 yrs older, had a great job, treated me well & we had been together for about 6 mos. Minus the break up time, when he refused to take me to my Junior Prom.
I went to Winchendon, having no idea that the ride I was making would become my future, the one I would spend 22 yrs trying to escape.
We ended up at a decent home, This was where Rocky & Janes new men lived. It was their parents 2nd home & the 2 of them rented it. I met Frank & Dick. Rocky & Frank seemed very happy, but Dick didn’t really go near Jane all that much. When we left Jane had us all yell “we love you dick”. Dick got my number from Rocky & started calling me. I kept telling him he was supposed to like Jane. Unfortunately, he did not. Why o Why, is hindsight 20/20? They really deserved each other,
Everytime we went to Winchendon, Dick would find me & when I was home he’d be calling me. What I would’ve done then, had the term Stalker been defined back then, we’ll never know. I was instead flattered by all the attention, so much so, that I called my bf in VT & ended it. He was upset & sarcastically said ‘Is it because we fight so much?” he was right, we didn’t fight. everything was good, but Dick had me intrigued. The irony was that I ended up reconnecting w the old bf on fb just a couple of mos ago. He didn’t remember saying that, but it had stuck in my head because it turned out that that was the truth. i equated love w violence. That thin line between love & hate.
I was going camping in the State Park, Lake Dennison, when Dick offered to come get me since Rocky & Jane were already at the campsite. I didn’t make it to the campsite that night. Dick kissed me on the beach in a beautiful, romantic setting, our 1 st kiss. Honestly, it was bad, no stars, so spark, nothing. He was an awful kisser & that should have been enough to stop me. Nope, not me, too self conscious of what he’s going to think of me if I try to go. I stay & have sex w him, surprisingly that was good, really good & that’s where he had me.
He dropped me off at his house & I became his girlfriend. Mom, was having an affair while Dad was at work, so I used that to blackmail her into letting me spend weekends at Dick’s. I was working so he would drop me off & pick me up. He was a true partier. 3 weeks into our relationship we got in a huge fight at a big party. some girl wanted to beat me up over him & really I don’t remember much, except that he sided with her & made me sleep on his bedroom floor that night! There were always girls in & out of his house, always excuses about who they were.We made it 3 months w him bragging he wanted a baby & to spend the rest of his life w me. He’d been saying I love you since the 2nd night together. I got pregnant fast, at first he was excited. Rocky & Frank were expecting too.
I’m going to tell you more about Frank & Dick’s family. They had a very successful porta potty business, Frank Pygmy Sr. had been raised poor & built himself a lucrative business. he was married to his 2nd wife Althea. Frank Sr’s 1st wife had given him 4 boys & Althea had given him 4 girls. The youngest was only 3 when I first met them. In the beginning they were very welcoming & I was very comfortable w them. Frank Sr always scared me, he reminded me of my own father, as he had shown up to fight w Dick on a couple of occasions & then kicked us out into the night, to find sleep elsewhere, even though Dick paid rent. He always told me horror stories of how Althea beat the boys, didn’t let them eat w her girls, or shower in her shower, they had to use the creepy cellar instead. He told of beatings & torment as bad as mine. Then there was the fact that his real mother had not been seen since his 3rd birthday. He was 19 & I was 17.
He broke up w me shortly after we found out I was pregnant, he changed his mind….yeah & was screwing every under age girl he could. I spent my pregnancy away from him & saw little of him. I did date some while i was pregnant
When my mother had to finally tell my father I was pregnant, home suddenly got really bad, Mom had met someone & she ended up leaving me & the boys alone w him. I was pregnant so there wasn’t anything else he had to worry about me, I was dating & going to parties, sober. One night he had come home drunk & my friend Olivia had been living w us, we were heading out w a guy I was dating & his friend, who was black. Besides, being an asshole, my father was also, very racist. He tried to stop us from leaving. I went anyway, thinking I would come home a little late & he’d be out cold & not even remember what had happened.
I couldn’t have been farther from the truth, we got home late & the house was pitch black & dead quiet. We slipped in the front door & the living room light clicked on. There sat my deepest fear, evil glowing in his drunken red eyes. Hatred seeping from him in pools. He stood up & said “You both get the fuck out of my house, you,”he pointed at Olivia, “you have half an hour to pack your shit”. “You”, me now. “you have an hour to pack your shit & get the fuck out of my house”.
We were out in the dark @2 am, trying to get somewhere. Olivia’s Mom came & got her. I had to swallow my pride & call my mom & her new boyfriend. They came right away from 30 miles & picked me up & took me in. He was a great man, treated my mom like a queen. Living w them was peaceful. They had a Bait & Tackle Shop that I happily ran on the weekends so they could have a life. Plus I was paid & buying things for the little miracle I was growing.
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I have not been visible the last few days. A knee jerk reaction, to pull myself away from hurt and hide in my home. I thought that after my son’s death that there wasn’t anything that could hurt me, that there was nothing worse that could happen.
There really isn’t, yet more betrayal has really set me back. Seeing as how it took me 2 hrs to tell my life story on a Live Feed. I was content writing my story one chapter at a time & releasing it weekly. I was found by someone who befriended me & when I felt comfortable I agreed to do this.
I have always had anxiety & depression & if you know anything about my life, you can probably understand why. I spent the weeks leading up to that huge step for me, trying to come up w a plan on how to include my life in a defined amount of time. I could not figure out how I was going to do this successfully, when I struggle w self esteem & anxiety, But, I had so much encouragement behind me that I set my mind to getting it done.
As a writer, of course, I wanted to plan & compose the timeline. Yet I knew trying to read my story live would be too awkward. So, I went into it with no plan, except to tell it like it was. I talked for 2 hrs, and I missed a lot. I started fighting & trying to help people almost immediately after my son’s death, I needed a purpose, a meaning to my life. I have tried suicide twice in my life while in my abusive first marriage, I tried overdosing on my medication. the first time, after I took the pills, I called and told someone…….my ex knew, but did nothing. I was taken to the hospital and had to have my stomach pumped. They didn’t take me in for observation because I told them I was leaving the marriage because I knew it was bad when I was willing to take my own life in the house w my children sleeping upstairs.
The second time was after becoming disabled, almost, 10 yrs later, I took an entire bottle of Valium. My ex husband did not call for help he watched me as I became crazy & incoherent & when I went to bed & passed out finally, I prayed for the end. My ex claimed he watched me all night but as an active alcoholic & addict I don’t believe he had enough care in any of himself to pay attention. My kids were home that night & they watched too, no one ever thought to get me help. I gave up caring after that & finally was able to rid myself of my abusive ex within the year.
My reason for this story is this: I was asked to do the live feed, convinced to do it actually. I gave my story freely as a gift.The death of a child is so traumatic, the mind and body are at odds and you lose control over both of them. When you are abused throughout a life filled with one traumatic event after another, You learn to box all of your emotions & memories up in your head & lock them away so that you can continue to move on & function in day to day life.
I went on to do my feed & I had to open & pull down so many emotions & memories. I thought I had done rather well, as I was not doing it for any reason except to raise awareness in every aspect of abuse & addiction I had been through. To share my pain, in the hopes that abused women, might find the courage to leave unhealthy relationships, and above all to think about how that abuse affects children, as well as the tragedy of losing a child to addiction. To help parents become aware of signs, to love but not enable, to help them when they’re ready for help. I did it for the person who asked me too.
Two nights ago the recovery/addiction community was rocked w rumors of betrayal. I checked facts & sources & based upon those, I made the decision to back away from the negativity, because it was about the person I had given my story to, I have been sick since, migraines, no food or sleep. Betrayal cuts deep. Our whole community is affected & hurt. We are warriors though and we will continue to spread our message and offering our assistance.
I learned I had even been called a “bottom feeder” and he complained that I did not show enough emotion for my son. For anyone who first of all has no children and second of all is not with me during my private grieving to say things like that was so painful. however, to learn of the truth behind his intentions has left me and many very shaken.
I thought I was in a good place. Three separate attacks were more than I could handle. I have had a woman who knew me as a child attack me for posting my story, and last night after my video being out for over a week my daughter watched it and launched her attack on me also. She is disgusted in me, a normal frame of mind for her, because I told the truth. She is mad because I made HER look bad. How could I do that to HER? My only biological child. I lament our differences all the time. I have tried over and over trying to prove to this child that I love her. It’s not about me. It never has been for her.
The term I was given to describe the person who had betrayed me (everyone else also affected) was narcissistic. This is actually not the first person I had learned was a Narcissist. My daughter is one. After my son’s death, my daughter’s behavior was so extreme, I did not know how to deal with her, she made my loss completely her own, even though we had all lost someone. She had my mail rerouted to her house for 2 and a half months, so this was how I really could define the complete behavior so completely in so few words. It is titled:
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, it’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And it it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if i did,
It’s Your fault.
And so, that is where I leave it. There are so many different forms of mental illness. It can be easily hidden. Is not discussed enough. It is not easy to detect because the brain changes normal thought processes into manipulation, guile, and deceit. A mentally ill person can live for so many years undetected, until they finally make that fatal mistake that brings their condition, glaring into the Light.
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