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Veronica Valli

SFYB Staff Writer

Book Review: Why you drink and How to stop

Review by Laura Stamps

What an amazing book! I say this for two reasons.

First, Veronica Valli is a recovering alcoholic and an addictions therapist. She has written a handbook so comprehensive it might be the only book an alcoholic needs. It covers every aspect of alcoholism from denial to acceptance, as well as how to stop drinking and where to go from there. If you’re looking for a roadmap to recovery that includes most of the valleys and mountaintops you might encounter along the way, you’ll love this book.

Second, it is unique in its approach to “dual diagnosis.” Alcoholism generally isn’t the primary “problem.” It’s a quick fix for an underlying mental or emotional issue. To be successful in recovery you must address this issue.

 

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Valli calls it a “spiritual” issue. Spiritual in this book doesn’t mean religious. She’s referring to the connection with your spirit, the real you. Valli explains the link between alcoholism and spiritual imbalance like this:

“Alcoholism can be described as a spiritual disjunction, which alcoholics try to fix by rearranging their outside circumstances. The result of this behavior is that alcoholics forget who they really are.” (page 19)

“In order to overcome alcoholism, stopping the drinking of alcohol simply isn’t enough. Alcoholism is an internal (spiritual) illness. Drinking is only a symptom. Alcoholism’s key motivator is about changing how you feel.” (page 20)

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Valli says the most profound thing that happened to her when she began the recovery process was the realization that she hadn’t been “living her truth.” She’d become what she calls a “fake person,” meaning she had made all her choices in life based on other people’s approval. This revelation horrified her and made her more determined than ever to confront the fear that had kept her from living authentically.

“Fear is the engine that drives alcoholism. However, there’s something about alcoholic thinking that twists all our emotions and makes the unpleasant ones dominant in us. We seem to take fear to a whole new level, much more than ordinary people do.” (page 35-41)

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“There is no recovery from alcoholism without spiritual growth. Spirituality can be viewed as a way of having a healthy relationship with yourself, one that is based on self-love, self-esteem, and integrity. Addiction is defined by disconnection from self and everything and everyone around you.” (page 79)

The goal of this book is to bring the reader from fear to a sense of wholeness, from spiritual disjunction to fully functioning. Valli says sooner or later you have to stop running from your true self and discover the “real” you, which is more wonderful than you could ever imagine.

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Click the above image to find this book in the Amazon store

The good news is you’re not alone. You’ll find 151 pages of step-by-step instruction in this handbook. As an added bonus, each chapter is filled with the stories and struggles of others who have walked before you.

If you’d like to not only recover from alcoholism but also become the best you can be, look no further. This is it.

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Laura Stamps is a healthcare copywriter and the Staff Editor of “Stop Frying Your Brian,” a funky, informational, addiction/recovery website covering all addictions and codependency issues.

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Laura Stamps

SFYB Staff Editor

Book Review: “The Imperfect Marriage” by Darryl and Tracy Strawberry

By: Laura Stamps
Toxic relationships often lead to dysfunctional marriages. This was certainly the case with Darryl and Tracy Strawberry.
11-16-2014 6-37-51 PM

Click to purchase on Amazon

 

 

(Darryl) “Many people have their stories of love at first sight. For us it was lost at first sight. By the time we met, we had lost relationships, our children, our marriages, our money, our will to live, and our connection with God. We were spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially bankrupt.”

Tracy and Darryl met in 2003 at a Narcotics Anonymous convention in Florida. Tracy was recovering from addictions to alcohol, cocaine, crack, and meth. Darryl was not in recovery. He was still using and had gone to prison for his drug violations. He was also millions of dollars in debt. Both had been divorced twice and lost custody of their children from those marriages.

Darryl and Tracy brought more baggage into a relationship than we can imagine. Still, like most dysfunctional people, that didn’t deter them from taking the plunge again.

(Tracy) “We fell in love. Fast and hard. Blind love falls in love with the potential of a person, not the nitty-gritty truth of who they really are. It tolerates deception that can very easily become your adopted truth, leading you right back into another unhealthy relationship. Blind love tells you, ‘It will be different this time.’ That’s what I thought. I kept the blinders on and allowed myself to be drawn into another toxic relationship.”

Several tumultuous years followed. Tracy spent most of her time rescuing Darryl from crack houses and trying to cope with his rampant infidelity. Even so, they married.

Book Review: “The Imperfect Marriage” by Darryl and Tracy Strawberry
(Tracy) “When I married Darryl, he was clean and sober. What I didn’t know was that a part of him did not want to be completely well, whole on the inside. He wasn’t ready to surrender, and he didn’t want to do the work required to be well. The truth became very clear very quickly.”

Sounds like a mess, doesn’t it? It was. Yet this is an amazing book on many levels. Even though the Strawberry’s are painfully candid about the baggage they brought to the marriage table, “The Imperfect Marriage” is an easy book to read and digest. That’s due in part to its unique format. Both Tracy and Darryl tell their stories together in each chapter in first person, letting you know who is talking and when. It works. And very well.

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The book is divided into two sections. The first section, “Me,” tackles the dysfunctional issues plaguing Darryl and Tracy when they married. Eventually, they realized they needed to heal themselves first before they could fix their crippled marriage. The second section, “We,” tells us how these two people, who found wholeness separately, repaired a broken marriage together as a couple.

Each section is divided into chapters covering topics like forgiveness, codependency, trust, mindfulness, temptation, and how to create a new beginning. Slowly, they move readers forward from a relationship paralyzed with despair and hopelessness to a marriage filled with joy and peace. Each step in the healing process is illustrated with examples from their lives, demonstrating for readers what works, what doesn’t work, and how it can work for you.

First and foremost, this is a Christian book. Tracy and Darryl have both become ordained ministers. They counsel couples in marriage crisis through Strawberry Ministries. Darryl also travels across the country, speaking and preaching at various churches and Christian functions.

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(Tracy) “This is the primary theme of this book. Life always comes back to Him. Neither you nor your spouse should be the center of your universe. That’s God’s place. Your spouse does not complete you. God does. And your wholeness in Him is what makes you the better half to your partner.”

Yet this is also a book for people of any faith or no faith struggling with the damaging effects of addiction. If your marriage is in trouble because you or your spouse or both of you are addicts of any kind, this book is for you.

The raw honesty in “The Imperfect Marriage” is impressive. The Strawberrys discuss the ugly truth of their marriage openly and thoroughly. You’re never left guessing. Nothing is hidden. And they do this on purpose. Their goal is to offer their readers all the information and workable strategies they need to succeed. The healing has to start somewhere. And the best place to begin is with the naked truth. So they do.

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This is definitely the case in the codependent chapter, “The Spouse-in-Waiting.” In this chapter, Tracy tells of her struggle as the spouse of an addict. Darryl was clean and sober when they married, but she soon found out he hadn’t dealt with his addiction to women and had no plans to remedy that.

(Tracy) “One of the most challenging aspects of being married is being a spouse-in-waiting. This is what you are when your husband or wife has emotionally or even physically checked out and refuses to get well or get right. You are not loved, honored, cherished, or respected by your life partner. Your spouse has left you alone to live with a broken marriage till death do you part. At times, it feels like a slow death. But there is hope, and there is an answer.”

This is a powerful chapter for anyone familiar with codependency issues. Rarely, do you find such detailed, step-by-step help for the agonizing life of a codependent spouse. Best of all, while Tracy walks readers through her journey from codependency to healing, we receive an added bonus: Darryl’s perspective on her transformation, and the effect it had on him. How priceless is that?

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(Darryl) “I couldn’t help notice Tracy was changing. I saw her develop a new character, new habits, a different way of being. I realized she was moving forward.

She was growing up. She was leaving me behind. I couldn’t help but respect my wife. The transformation was so crazy that honestly, I became jealous. There were times I asked God why He couldn’t give me what she had. ‘Why does she feel so good when I feel so bad?’ Her change opened my eyes.”

The “We” section offers realistic strategies and action plans for readers with spouses in the recovery phase eager to rebuild their broken marriages. Some of the advice will make you laugh out loud with its common sense wisdom.

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(Tracy) “Never give your spouse I’m sorry presents. They are permanent reminders of temporary mistakes. You want to give me a beautiful piece of jewelry to apologize for your adultery so whenever I wear it I can think about what you did? No thanks!”

As you can see, “The Imperfect Marriage” is not just another lightweight celebrity book. It’s not another marriage manual packed with feel-good platitudes. It’s not another Christian counseling book. It’s much, much more. No matter your faith, if you’re in a codependent marriage situation I highly recommend this book. You’ll find something in here to help you. I guarantee it.

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  •  StopfryingYourBrain.com becoming one of the most viewed Substance Abuse sites in the nation stopfryingyourbrain.com  becoming one of the most viewed Substance Abuse sites in the nation. It is a community of 131,000+ registered users and...
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