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Surviving an affair

Laura Temin

Laura Beth Temin SFYB Staff Writer

Is it humanly possible to really forgive and forget when a loved one cheats on you?

Can your marriage truly survive? Will things ever be the same? What does it take to get over the pain? Even if you want to forgive, why is it so hard to let the memory go?r

 These are the kinds of questions both the betrayer and the betrayed struggle with after an affair.
Questions-2

Cheating is like poison to a marriage. It is a betrayal of trust that stabs like a dagger in the heart and its piercing pain brings a person to their knees. Typically, the lingering thoughts and unanswered questions that swim endlessly in the mind of the betrayed become their slow and torturous death. But the cheater does not fare much better. They live with the guilt and the shame for all the days of their life. And if they truly made a mistake and were able to convince their spouse to give them another chance, more often than not, they are tormented by ongoing suspicions, accusations and relentless questioning.

Changes

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Despite the bleak portrayal above, it actually is possible for a couple to survive an affair and forgive their spouse. They may never forget, but with the right help, neither the betrayer nor the betrayed remain consumed and tortured with the poisonous memory. While the affair marks the end of the marriage for some, for others the affair acts as the catalyst to create an even better, stronger marriage.  

38381-Keep-Moving-ForwardWhat allows some couples to move forward while others self-destruct?  

Primarily, both parties become aware that their marriage is valuable and recognize what they are about to lose and both are willing to fight for the marriage.Then the marriage therapist must educate both parties on how the conscious and subconscious mind works and what the betrayed NEEDS in order to feel safe and reconnect.

The couples who flourish are willing to be honest with themselves and each other. They able understand what created the fertile ground for cheating. They are willing to take responsibility for their part in it. They are willing to see things through the eyes of their spouse. And they are willing to make adjustments. These couples keep trying even when the emotions run wild and things look bleak.

honest1

What happens in the mind of the betrayed?
After an affair, the betrayed is in shock, feels anxious and insecure, and is consumed with trying to make sense of things. They review the recent and not so recent past for clues. And they spend days and weeks or more processing and sorting through their thoughts and feelings. They cry, they disengage, they shout. They blame their spouse and they secretly or blatantly blame themselves. They are distraught and confused.

They wonder if the affair was the result of a hidden character defect on the part of the cheater, or an unfortunate circumstance. Was it the result of neglect or rejection from the betrayed or was in an angry retaliation? Was this really the first time or is this an ongoing pattern?

These are the questions that swim in the mind of the betrayed, and the betrayer must understand that this is a normal and natural response and part of the process of healing. The betrayer must be willing to deal with the barrage of questions without becoming angry, defensive or shutting down.

This is an overview of what is needed by the betrayed, in order to survive an affair.

  1. A clear and honest understanding of what happened and why- so it makes sense in to mind.
  2. To determine whether the reasons are fleeting, fixable or chronic.
  3. The willingness to understand how each person contributed to the situation.
  4. A heartfelt, sincere apology from the betrayer with a true expression of remorse for the pain the betrayer caused. (Probably multiple apologies)
  5. The ability to ask questions of the betrayer and process the information without being shut down.
  6. Evidence and assurance that their heart will be safe.
  7. The ability to release the trauma from the subconscious mind.

Rest In Peace

  1. Without these elements, the betrayed cannot put the infidelity aside and the marriage will die.

In most cases, neither the betrayer nor the betrayed understand what happened beneath the surface that created the breeding ground for the affair. This is where the skill and insight of the right marriage therapist is crucial.

But even when the betrayed and betrayer understand what happened and why, and even when they work through the steps above, and really want to forgive and move on, the final element that is often overlooked is the role the subconscious mind plays in moving beyond an affair. It is the subconscious mind that has the power to dissolve the lingering pain of the memory and put it behind them or fan the flames and keep it alive.

I have seen so many people struggle with that ‘feeling’ of fear and insecurity- the doubts, the paranoia, the suspicion – years after the affair ends. Not because the betrayed wants to feel the pain. Not because the betrayed wants to torment the betrayer, but because the upset is imprinted in the subconscious mind and until it is dissolved, it will be repeatedly triggered.

betrayed_wide_t_nv

 The problem the betrayed struggles with after an affair is the associations that trigger reminders of the incident. For example if the spouse had an affair while on a business trip, the thought of a business trip will trigger the fear. If the affair occurred when the betrayer was working late, then whenever the betrayer works late the ‘feelings’ of fear will be triggered.  

The subconscious mind is the keeper of all the feelings, memories and experiences. It’s the part of the mind that remembers where you were when you heard a certain song. It is the automatic part of the mind that tries to keep us safe by keeping the scary things in the front of the mind in to protect us from slipping into that situation again. That part of the mind must be understood and soothed in order to truly be free to move forward.

hypnotherapy-banner

Since hypnotherapy works with the associations and expectations that live in the imagination which is the subconscious mind, hypnotherapy is the most effective way to resolve it. In my experience, it is the most gentle and fastest way to help the subconscious mind feel safe again and stop it from pushing the panic button.

The right marriage counselor assists the couple in learning how to move through the crisis and when that marriage counselor adds the additional element of hypnotherapy, the painful memories fade away so that the betrayed can feel safe again. And that is the recipe for success. 

Clinical Hypnosis uses the same conditioning principles to help people accomplish a goal, break a habit or change a feeling or behavior. Because it works with the subconscious mind, it is effective when traditional talk therapy is not because it bypasses the logical mind.

How does it work? The individual discusses the goal and the details with the therapist and together they make a plan. Then the therapist uses words and images to help the individual build positive new associations and reach their desired outcome. Hypnotherapy is one of the most comfortable ways to make changes in a person’s life.

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