Dear Mr. Trump – I’m calling you out
Dear President Trump,
I know you are very busy so I will make this as brief as possible. I am writing this blog post as a special request from an amazing woman but before I get into that I would like to share a story with you. I have met you prior to your campaign, you see I was a high roller at the Taj Mahal and you were apparently really close to the area I was in but I was to high and drunk to remember that whole experience.
Sadly this was how I spent a majority of my 20s. I am not going to make light of the past and I am not going to get into the stupid details of my dance with the devil I merely want to shed some light on the purpose of the letter.
I represent 23 million Americans who are suffering from the disease of addiction. I also have been plagued with numerous mental illness disorders,
I am proud to say that neither of these issues have any power over me now. I am instead following a text book move from you yourself, sir you have maintained that it is time for a change and I believe in following the true campaign for a change and I plan on continuing to further my journey.
I am going to introduce you to someone who has been a constant motivation behind my actions. March 24th 2014 for us we probably don’t recall the events that occurred but it is a night that is a constant nightmare that a very amazing woman goes through on a daily basis which brings me to the next point, the voices that are permanently silenced as a result of the evil shit that has made its way to our backyard.
Corruption and greed will always be a motivator for looking the other way and the narcotics will still be accessible but we kind of have a plan in play, sir right now 200 people are dying as a result of our ignorance face it we have one hell of a problem and like baboons we are going to place our lives with the hands of the same place that is receiving overwhelming amounts of funding and the result is the same and more casualties are being sacrificed because we live in a society of vaginas.
I have been blessed with knowing Todd and his family through our mutual friend and curse our addiction my passion for crack and his passion for heroin. I will be celebrating 5 years of recovery and Todd celebrates his third……… The third Angelversary this night is the toughest for me to help my friend Robyn through, you see she wanted me to introduce you to someone who has became a mere number in the books but who was Todd; a junkie? Todd had a tooth pulled and he took his meds he felt a release and a hell took over in the years to come.
Todd was the 28th person who passed away from an overdose that year and if it’s not hard enough she lost her other son six months prior due to a motorcycle accident and now I get to tell you about Jen, imagine losing your twin she doesn’t have to, this is one reality for people who don’t speak out to say we are willing to help each other help ourselves.
I submit a business idea and you can see if the numbers balance out plus it’s a change. I am simply suggesting an alternative to the current situation that is failing. You discussed the economy and promote the reassurance that we can come back, sir right now you are American’s Recovery Advocate, you are preparing for the chance to turn this around day by day and you reassure us that we will be great again.
I have been doing research on the financial crisis and how addiction is affecting our society. Our prison is full of addicts who are already feeling hopeless as a result of getting in trouble also having a record makes it difficult for new opportunities, I introduce you to an alternative to the problem. Operation Second Chance this would take an at risk society and provide a second chance to turn this around and make sure that recovery = reality and at your hands. I propose to take the funding and cut it from pharmaceutical companies to build more facilities, how does the addicts come into play?
I have been working with many people who became united to educate families as well as addicts everywhere that we can come back and with long term recovery promotion sir, two birds with one stone. Actually you might have a grand slam, by funding more facilities we promote the reassurance that we will no longer be scared to say these words drugs tried to ruin me but I took control back.
I am saying that in cutting budget costs providing a solution reducing costs pertaining to the medical portion for a temporary fix that 20 years down the road may be our next problem. I am suggesting that the world is entitled to spiritual freedom and this sir is our hope. Help us begin to help ourselves.
Amanda Romero SFYB Desk Editor
In Memory of Todd Ellis Benoit
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Grief and Emotional Pain: The Knockout of a UFC Fighter
Thought to have been on the comeback road, pro fighter Josh Samman lost not to a worthy opponent but to his Grief and Addiction.
By Randolph Adair
Over a year ago, I began working with a client who is a professional fighter in the UFC. I knew little of mixed martial arts, and curiously I wanted to know more about my client’s professional world and began intensely following the world of MMA fighting. It’s another sports universe of its own with its fans, stars, personalities, rivalries and of course…Drama.
Back in October 2016, the MMA/UFC sporting family was saddened by the untimely death of UFC Middleweight fighter Josh Samman. After being found unresponsive at his apartment, Samman died after being in a coma at a hospital for 6 days. His friend Troy Kirkingburg who was found with him in the apartment was unresponsive and pronounced dead at hospital from an overdose of cocaine, heroin and painkillers.
Josh wrote of his struggle with addiction in his book The Housekeeper: Love, Death, and Prizefighting. He also wrote of the death of his girlfriend Hailey Bevis who died in a car wreck while he was texting with her.
I have no personal connection to Josh or privy to any specifics about his life and my observations and comments are limited to what I read and glean from the news stories, his words and anecdotal comments from those who knew him.
As a life coach who specializes in sports performance and addictions, as I read about him, what jumped out at me is that he had been in DEEP grief over the death of his girlfriend and the personal guilt that he was the cause of her death.
As a specialist in addiction, the root of addiction is the inability to handle one’s emotional pain. It crosses all demographics of people and economic, familial and social backgrounds.
At a long term drug rehab I worked in, during the intake interview one resident told of witnessing their family burn in a house fire as a child. Another resident spoke of the infidelity and betrayal of her husband, while another resident told of how he was ridiculed as a child by his older brothers and sisters who would not let him interact with their friends and he was sent off by himself.
All three were addicted to heroin and arrived at their addiction from different triggers, but their root is the same. Their inability to handle their emotional pain. The heroin, or whatever the recreational drug of choice for that matter, is covering their pain and keeps them from having to deal with the emotional hurts, stresses and pressures.
In regard to Samman, it is obvious from his interviews that he never got over the guilt and grief of the death of his girlfriend. Even reading his story you could still feel his emotional pain as he tells of what he went through. Sadly and most obviously, whatever method he was using to get through and over the grief did not bring results.
The make matters worse, not long after his girlfriend’s death, he also shared that his mother’s husband, his stepfather died. He was trying to help her handle her grief, all the while still overwhelmed with his own.
Samman tells how he used fighting as a way to work through his pain and to dedicate it to his girlfriend. Again, that is another common coping skill as people will pour themselves into their work to avoid thinking about their issues. Surely he was getting counseling and had a strong support group of friends. But obviously it was not enough as he was still stuck in the “trance” of grief and guilt.
In my experience when working with clients going through grief, you have to remove the emotional pain and take them out of the emotional trance. They have to face the pain, let the pain go and replace it with a new feeling that empowers them, yet honors their love and feelings for the deceased.
For the grieving, just talking about it, replaying the grief in their mind in greater detail, being stuck will only reinforce the program/grief. Telling it over and over whether out loud or inside the head just sets their story stronger and the individual cannot let go and move forward. They will continually seek out a way to drown out and push away the pain.
Another perspective of the addiction as I referenced above, is its use as a coping skill to avoid on all fronts dealing with the pain. Initially the addiction feels good and they can finally feel relaxed and pressure is off. But the consequence is the extended use of the drugs or desired substance causes another level of pain. Financial Loss pain, Family and Relationship pain, Physical pain, Legal pain, and possibly ultimately as in Samman’s case, Lethal Mortal pain.
Most people don’t come equipped with the proper set of coping skills as they have been downloaded into the subconscious from our early upbringing and later life experiences. We don’t judge those sources of the faulty and useless coping skills. But we have to understand, right or wrong, good or bad, it was the best our family and those around us knew at that time.
My hope is that others hearing Samman’s story understand that with proper help, no one has to unsuccessfully deal with their emotional pain and addiction. That’s why I am always sharing with agents and athletes my work and success in helping people let go in a safe loving way, and replace the emotional pain with a love and peace that allows them to move forward in life.
Peace and Love to Josh Samman, his family, friends and colleagues.
Randolph is a Mind Performance and Life Coach specializing in Stress, Grief and Addiction. Like and follow his Facebook page by using the icons in his profile below.
This means creating healthy habits that will lead to healthy decisions. This begins with safe communications, healthy and consistent boundaries, with an understanding that consequences are given that it was their choice that created the consequence.
The three ingredients needed are awareness, action and maintenance. Self-awareness has to increase, which will lead to healthier actions and maintaining these actions will lead to healthy habits.
Children are ego –centric- This is important to understand and will help you to allow your clients trust you.
-Fragmentation- This is a person whose outsides and insides don’t match. Usually this comes from a childhood that wasn’t safe and the person becomes fragmented. They don’t trust any process that they can’t control. They wear a mask, only showing the world their outside. They never allow anyone to get in deep. They’re afraid if they did that you would run, they would never be accepted. When you get someone to expose themselves, getting them to be vulnerable then you can silence the intrusive inner voices that have imprisoned their life. Blow up the story that they are not loveable.
Awareness-How do you get your clients to trust you with their feelings. Should they tell you their darkest secrets.
- Societies messages– on how a boy should act and how a girl should act.
- Media’s messages-
- Childhood messages will affect the persons intimacy, the carriers they choose. These messages will affect their parenting skills , even the roles they play. How does the role you were set up to play affect the relationships you have with your clients.
- PEOPLE PLEASER – saying yes to family members because it’s too painful to say no. I help people pleasers learn why it’s so difficult for so many of us to say know and learn the ways to silence the inner voice which is responsible for this.
- CARETAKER – carrying the burden of the family on your shoulders because it’s too painful to let go. I help caretakers learn how to ask for help by ignoring the voice that makes them feel so guilty when doing so.
- PERFECTIONIST – In this type of role the person doesn’t allow themselves to make a mistake and if they do they identify themselves as a mistake. God forbid the family sees you stumble at times. I help them find ways to silence that inner critic and give themselves the compassion they deserve.
- DEFIANT – Those are the individuals that always have to be right with family members even if it pushes them away? I’m sure you have this type of personality in your family. I help them learn the ways to choose their battles relinquish the need to be right and choose closeness instead.
- INVISIBLE – Those are the individuals who lose their voice and disappear in their relationships. They lose their rights to share their feelings and withdraw. I help them gain their rights back as well as a way for them to bring their voice to the surface.
BE AWARE OF THE TIME TRAVELING PROCESS
This is where we confuse the voices from our childhood with those in our lives today. For instance, your client may be very sensitive to criticism because they were judged harshly in our childhood. When criticized it awakens old feelings and messages which will distort the way they hear you. You are not only in a relationship with your client but you are also in a relationship with all your clients childhood messages as well. So what you say may not necessarily be what they here.
BECOME AWARE OF THE VERSION OF INTIMACY your client received in childhood.
For instance, I ask people what intimacy looked like for them when they were children. Were their parents warm and close with each other or was intimacy something to avoid? Were the caregivers supportive to each other or did the child view fighting in the relationship. If there was fighting in childhood your partner may either shut down when feeling conflicted or do the opposite and rage when they feel threatened. This awareness will help each partner understand the other partner better.
When you viewed conflict or anger in your childhood, what feeling awakened in you. Did you feel terrified when those around you displayed anger, did you get used to anger as a way of communicating feelings, were you the one who tried to mediate the disagreements, did you fuel anger feeling self-righteousness, or did you look to escape angry situations.
1) CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT FOR YOUR CHILDREN WHERE THEY CAN SHARE ALL THEIR FEELINGS – There is no place like home. Provide a safe environment for your children where they can cry on your shoulder or talk to you, even if they tell you something you don’t want to hear. If a child doesn’t feel safe talking to his or her parents or loved ones regarding their feelings, fears, struggles or even their sexual orientation, he or she may begin to internalize those feelings in a negative way. Without airing their struggles shame will develop in the child that could create isolated and isolation can be dangerous. Many bullies detect this weakness and target their victims accordingly.
Everyone, especially children, need someone to feel close too and we want this person to be someone that will be a positive influence in their life. If they don’t feel close to someone at home they may find the wrong person. Children want to feel special and they especially want to feel important to their first hero’s, their parents. This only happens if the parents allow their children to express their feelings. The child should not express these feelings with anger directed at their caregivers. If they do the caregiver need to tell the child I want to hear your feelings but I can’t if your angry. When you calm down I’d love to talk to you. It is okay to be angry but the child needs to understand that they can’t take their anger out on the other person whoever that is. These feelings can’t be expressed with anger and if this is the case the parent needs to tell the child when you’re less angry I would love to hear what you have to say. The child’s feelings and these discussions will mature as the child gets older. It is imperative for the parent to keep this door of communication open. This will help prevent them from acting out their pain, as in bullying, or acting in their pain, as in feeling that they deserve.
2) Confer regularly with your Inner Child. When your children struggle, stop and think about what you wanted to hear from your father or mother at that age. Let that compassion shape what you say and how you say it. If the relationship with your children is a safe one they will tell you what they need. STORY
While he was pitching I noticed he wasn’t lifting his leg high enough, he wasn’t following through enough, and he certainly wasn’t keeping his shoulder in as well. The result was that he wasn’t throwing the ball over the plate. The other team took advantage of this as he walked many opposing players I the first inning. As the game concluded, the kids returned to the dugout and grabbed their baseball bags. As I walked over to my son I began thinking of things to say. I wanted to say something compassionate as well as helping him with his pitching dilemma. Should I ask him how he feels or should I tell him he can pitch to me at home and I will help him with his pitching delivery. What should I say and do? How should I word this? Well he gave me the answer to my question. As I approached him, in front of his teammates, he looked up at me and said dad I need a hug. That’s what I needed to do, that’s all I needed to do. He didn’t need a therapist or pitching coach, he needed a hug. Give him what I would have wanted from my dad at that time, a hug from someone I’m safe with. I was wondering how many of the kids in the dugout that day would have liked their father to take the same action. Our children can teach us many things at times if we are ready to listen.
The bully mentality is created time and time again on the ball field and in schools. Coaches and parents push their children to the point where the child turns off on the activity because they feel defeated. Not defeated because they lose but defeated because they can’t live up to their parents expectations. This is a very difficult problem to solve. The truth is when our children fail in sports or in schools we internalize this as though we failed as parents. The parents feeling of defectiveness comes to the surface and even worse this feeling is pronounced because other parents are witnessing this failure as well. How could my child embarrass me like this. Many times it’s not about the child but rather the parent’s false pride that has been wounded. The problem is this false sense of self is transferred to the child causing terrible and long term consequences. Destructive entitlement occurs where the parent gives themselves permission to blame the child for their own character defect.
In many cases coaches and sports create an environment which ignites adrenalin and aggressive behavior. Sports are defined by winners and losers. When a person feels defeat, combined with the adrenalin rush of the sporting event, it’s not easy to switch these feelings on and off and return to a normal state of emotion. Bullying others may be a way to vent frustration. To be fair to the coaches there goal is to win. Unfortunately they personally internalize as well which can also create unrealistic expectations of their players. Our society loves winners but can be cruel on those that lose.
3) Be curious with your children. Be interested in your children’s lives, asking them how their doing and what’s new with them. Know who their friends are, what site they go on, what things they like to do. By being curious we give them the message they are important and your thinking of them. They may not appreciate this at an early age but will appreciate this later.
The computer is a wonderful tool but can be a curse to children if the children’s sites are not monitored. Many computer sites can lead to dangerous places. Places that can be too powerful for the child to handle. When there is this kind of potential danger the parent needs to take control of the situation but they can’t if there not aware of the problem either. This is why it is essential to be curious with your children whether they like it or not. The message is they matter to you but they may give you the message that they need privacy. Don’t allow their message to guide your actions
4) Monitor your Inner Critic. Once again, the most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. If we are not comfortable in our own skin it is going to be difficult to give our children what we don’t have inside.
Why because if you have an inner voice telling you all the things you’re doing wrong in life, chances are high you may give this Inner voice to your children. We need to take responsibility, as I did in my book, “The Problem Was Me”. We need to find out what was damaged in us so we can silence our own Inner Critic and become mindful of behaviors that could pass intrusive voices to our children. A healthy message would be one where we show our children we are willing to work on our shortcoming and if needed we have the courage to ask for help. As your children journey through their life, teaching them the right ways to cope with their problems and the ability to reach out to healthy people for help is a wonderful message.
5) Choose your battles. We all want to guide our children and write a script for the ways we want them to turn out but there are times when we need to relinquish our need to be right in our conversations with our children, and instead choose closeness. Instead of telling them what they’re doing wrong, we can choose to be close by identifying with our children’s struggles and listening to their feelings. I’ve found the greatest way to get my children to listen to me is by listening to them first. Story of Tom when he graduated high school.
When my son graduated high school everyone one kept asking him and telling him what he should do. Instead of traveling down this path of communication with him, I said it must be difficult for a person to graduate from high school and have to decide what they need to do the rest of their life. I said this must be a confusing and frightening time for you. I could sense this form of communicating made him gravitate towards me. He said dad that’s exactly how I feel. After this conversation he included me on all his future decisions. I choose to be close to him instead of being right with him.
6) Permit mistakes. Give your children the message that they can make mistakes in life. Let them know that mistakes are part of being human. Affirm that they can fail at times without becoming a failure.
Time for another story. One of my children had a bedwetting problem that caused him tremendous shame every time he had an accident. Once when dining out with my family, I had an experience that most men have. After a trip to the men’s room, I zipped up my fly but not before a few drops of urine dripped onto my pants. When I returned to the table, I quietly pointed out the spot to my son and said see even Dad has accidents. He thought this was great. He believed I urinated in my pants. You could read his mind as see the way this made him feel more human for his mistakes. The downside was that he proceeded to tell the world about my experience. I did not count on this but I did give him the message that it’s okay to make mistakes.
If we deny our children compassion when they stumble, we negate a part of their humanness. If they lose compassion for themselves they will lose compassion for others as well. This is one of the chief characteristic of a bully. Deep inside a bully has no compassion for themselves and therefore has no compassion for who they bully. They want to hurt others the way they were hurt.
Ask yourself whether you could make a mistake in your childhood. Were mistakes an opportunity to learn or were the consequences for making a mistake so intense that you identified yourself as a mistake. Maybe you were on the other end of the spectrum where there were no consequences when you made a mistake, which makes the opportunity to learn from your mistakes impossible.
It is very important to say at this point that our children need healthy consequences as well. But consequences need to be given with the message of love not a message that the child is a bad kid. It is best to pause and deliver the healthiest consequence not the quickest ones. The goal of consequences is to help the child understand it was the choice they made that created the consequence. Healthy consequences should build healthy habits so the habits become part of the child’s thinking. I give my children consequences when they do something they shouldn’t and if they disrespect me I increase the consequence. Later I reinvestigate the conversation with them when they’ve calmed down and I explain that my actions were based on love as my responsibility as a parent is to get them ready to face life on life’s terms someday.
7) Celebrate your child’s victories . Celebrate those times in their life when they do something that really makes them feel proud. When they work hard at something, regardless of the grade, take them for an ice-cream, Don’t immediately run to the next dilemma – take time to enjoy with your family what’s been accomplished first. We live in a period of time where we are always running to the next dilemma. We need to internally feel those successes and we need to teach our children how to celebrate there’s. These celebrations are directed at internal accomplishments not at external accomplishments. For example, when every child receives a trophy in a game, this is an external accomplishment. This is not going to have any positive affect on them; in fact this could create more damage than good. For instance, when little league gives trophies to every team so that no one feels left out, this action teaches children that mediocre behavior is to be rewarded. This will reduce their drive to better themselves. Also we can’t always win so giving a trophy to everyone create non-reality, we need to handle losing at times. This will not build the child’s character.
An internal accomplishment is when the child does something that makes them feel special. For example, my son was in the third grade and before one of his tests he thought of writing the questions on an index card and studying the questions in this manner. He was so excited about this process he learned. He did very well on the test and he was so proud that he used this new way of studying for a test. This simple example is the way children build integrity and self-worth. We made sure we celebrated this accomplishment with him. Remember victories to us may be different than victories to our children. Celebrate what they think is a victory not just what you think a victory is.
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HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT TERRORISM
With reports of terrorist activity making headlines everywhere and plastering our television, computer and phone screens, it is becoming more and more difficult to shield our children from the carnage and fear that is filtering into our cultural psyche.
How should we best handle the conversation with our children about the reality of terrorism without making them overly fearful?
- Do not assume your child feels the same way you do. With limited life experience, your child does not have the experience or tools to process and understand the why or how of terrorist activity and motivation the way you do.
- ∙Ask the child how he feels. Listen and do not judge or deny his feelings, whatever they may be. Validate his feelings by acknowledging them, and let him know that they are normal. Make sure to share your feelings honestly, as well.
- It’s not what you say, but what you don’t say. The worst thing to do is to confuse the child by saying one thing and doing another. To say that you are not afraid but then change your patterns and not got to the movies, say, or avoid large venues like Soldier’s Field would send a conflicting and confusing message that would actually cause the child to be more fearful.
- You are not doing your child any favors by protecting him from dealing with life on life’s terms. However, only expose your child to as much gory detail as is necessary. Try and keep young children up to at least 13 away from any media that would depict those details, if at all possible. However, if your child has seen or heard reports of suicide bombers or gruesome beheadings, do not deny that those things are real. Always tell the truth so you establish a firm trust with your child.
- Teach your child to be cautious and aware of his surroundings, but don’t stop living your life and doing the things you want to do. Assure your child that you and the other authorities in his life- teachers, principals, police- are all aware of the situation and doing their best to protect them.
- Gratitude- Emphasize how thankful we are to be living in a country that is relatively safe compared to other areas in the world and reiterate that the chances of being affected directly by terrorist activity is very slim.
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REGAIN THAT HERO STATUS WITH YOUR CHILDREN AGAINWhen my son was nine, we were watching a baseball game together on television. As the camera panned over the cheering fans, he asked me why the kids in the stands were so excited.
I said that the players are heroes to those kids. I suggested that someday one of those players might be his hero. He paused and said, “They may be my hero someday, but you will always be my first hero.” The message was clear — we are our children’s first heroes, whether we want that responsibility or not.
The good news is, even if we as Parents received distorted messages in our own childhoods, we can still give our children the healthy messages denied to us. My father gave me the message that if I made enough money, all my problems would disappear. Yet, in adulthood, I never understood why I felt so sad when I witnessed a dad playing with his son and why this created such sadness within me as an adult. I was grieving a childhood I never had, and I didn’t want my children to be deprived of the childhood they deserved.
As an adult, I learned to give my kids what my own father hadn’t been able to give me – to be their hero. I supplied guidance to my children when they needed it, but I also gave them a shoulder to cry on and an ear to hear their feelings and thoughts as well.
Heroes can cry too, even if society tells them real men shouldn’t show their true feelings. When things didn’t go their way, my kids felt safe enough to share their struggles with me.
Heroes let their children explore who they want to be, instead of imprisoning them in predefined roles – roles we as parents want them to play. My children can face the world with confidence and know I am here if they should stumble. Here are seven tips to regain that hero status with your children.
1) Celebrate your child’s victories. Celebrate achievements and victories by taking your child for an ice cream or slice of pizza. Don’t immediately run to the next dilemma – take time to enjoy with your family what’s been accomplished first.
2) Confer regularly with your Inner Child. When our children struggle, stop and think about what you wanted to hear from your father at that age. Let that compassion shape what you say and how you say it.
3) Be curious. Be interested in your children’s lives, asking them how their doing and what’s new with them. By being curious we give them the message they are important and we’re thinking of them.
4) Monitor your Inner Critic. If we grew up with an Inner Critic telling us all the things we’re doing wrong in life, chances are high we will give this Inner Critic to our children. We need to take responsibility, as I did in my book, “The Problem Was Me”. We need to find out what was damaged in us so we can silence our own Inner Critic and become mindful of behaviors that could passing this intrusive voice down to our children.
5) Choose your battles. There are times when we need to relinquish our need to be right in our conversations with our children, and instead choose closeness. Instead of telling them what they’re doing wrong, we can choose to be close by identifying with our children’s struggles and listening to their feelings.
6) Permit mistakes. Give your children the message that they can make mistakes in life. Let them know that mistakes are part of being human. Affirm that they can fail at times without becoming a failure. If we deny our children compassion when they stumble, we negate their humanness. If they lose compassion for themselves they will lose compassion for others as well.
7) Provide a safe environment for your children. An environment where they can share their feelings, even if they tell you something you don’t want to hear.
The feats of the hero’s I describe won’t make the front page of any newspaper. But what headline can equal the love and admiration seen reflected in the eyes of your own child?
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Signs your Super Bowl Gambling may be Teetering on Addiction
More people bet on the Super Bowl than any event in American sports. According to SBNation.com, the total amount of money on the line worldwide is counted not in millions, but billions. In Las Vegas, 2014’s game produced a record $119 million, smashing the previous high of $98.9 million set just one year prior. And with the new recent proliferation of online betting sites like DraftKings and FanDuel, there are even more opportunities to put your money on the line.
While most people join a football pool at the office or play fantasy football with friends as a fun distraction, there are many for whom the gambling becomes an addiction.
Interview opp: Life Coach and addiction specialist Thomas Gagliano explains the signs that your Super Bowl gambling may be teetering on addiction:
- ∙You are betting an amount of money you swore you would never bet
- ∙You are hiding your bets from family and friends
- ∙Your gambling is becoming ritualistic
- ∙Your gambling is beginning to negatively affect your life:
- You are losing time at work
- You cannot pay your bills
- You are borrowing money from the wrong people
- You are facing legal issues
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Ghosting the how and why of it
Ghosting occurs when someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call, text, or email. If you have known the person for a while then it can be more painful, especially when centered on dating. When someone we begin to trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal.
What are the reasons for is ghosting Running from feeling of discomfort instead of dealing with discomfort. Fear that the person, especially on dating sites, may retaliate. Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings .
Repercussions of ghosting – Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react. We start to make up stories as to why I didn’t get a response. Eventually these stories can become true, whether they are imagined or not. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened.
The person, who is ghosted, feels unworthy, invisible, or rejected. Could lead to destructive entitlement- I can do this to others, which negates being empathetic towards others. We start to doubt our selves. Maybe I deserve this treatment, especially if it happens to someone a few times. We begin to distrust the process. How do I trust people when they let me down for no reason.
Why Healthy disclosure is needed –Learning that No means No; it does not mean ask me again. Learning healthy boundaries- When is it healthy to reply and when not to reply.
Ghosting may connect to deeper issues such as abandonment issues. Disclosure helps us learn to deal with discomfort as a healthy adult instead of running away or medicating discomfort like a scared child. Disclosure teaches us healthy self regulation.
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