The Worlds Most Deadliest Affair – Almost Killed Me

The Birds

Rjdavid

In Recovery

This article will contain a lot of what I have experienced, caused and witnessed. An obsession so strong, convincing, patient and ruthless. Quickly followed by a drug to which has all these characteristics, but on steroids.

My intent for this article is to tell the truth as to why we cannot get clean just for someone else, why we cannot stay faithful when the needle is playing strip tease and mostly, why a $10 bag of whatever the hell it is takes precedence over anyone else. 

I hope you can look past the spelling and grammar errors. The fact I am not the most educated man has nothing to do with how I feel, how I express myself and how I share my story with honestly and vulnerability. Now…. back to the topic.

For as long as I can remember i was that hopeless romantic. I can remember stealing my mom’s perfume before banquets, making sure my hair was perfectly parted down the middle and tucked behind the ears. Yes we are talking late 90s here so Kurt Cobain and Green Day had something to do with the attire.

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Anyway, I always had the master plan, the prep work and motivation to “get the girl!” The only problem was as soon as I was around them I shut down, lost all confidence and the mission failed. That was until many years of heart break and missed opportunities, I found “the one”- the one that made me feel so good inside I could barely go an hour without thinking about her. She was smooth but with a kick, tall and dark. She was something I would always chase…… with a Pepsi or ginger ale. Alcohol was my first real love. For the first time in my life I found something that took away my insecurities, fears and emotions. It turned me into superman and alcohol was my Louis Lane.

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Years go by and I feel I have mastered the art of social drinking, alone, in my basement. I’m now 20 years old, 2 years into a marriage. I have a 2 year old daughter and what I thought a manageable affair with my whiskey. Needless to say after several black outs, violent fights and many nights in an empty house, I chose my first love over my family. A few more years go by, and I repeat this circus of selfish self will run riot. I find myself with a beautiful son. Well I did, I was now staring at an empty crib, a dark kitchen, 2 candles and the bottle.

The day I decided I never needed to drink again was not because of my family, had nothing to do with my kids, and definitely wasn’t for my health. No, the reason I stopped drinking was because I fell in love with a needle and heroin. It took everything to the next level. Absolutely nothing else mattered at this point. I found myself in my 3rd relationship, which included another child, another painful ending, which left me homeless, heartless and willing to die.

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I lost, no let’s get honest, I gave away three beautiful children, and a relationship with my father, a man who was now 18 years sober and loved me more than himself. I gave away careers, dreams and hope. I found myself emotionless, spiritually bankrupt and desperate to die. But….. I had my needle, full dope bags and a bottle cap full of water. I remember nights sleeping in my truck, looking at pictures of my kids, and bawling my eyes out. I remember my parents’ trembling voices as I fed them lies of how good I was doing. I remember blocking calls from my children’s mothers because the sound of my kids’ voices felt like a hack saw through my heart. Let’s get real here and say this was not the life I chose when I was that honor student in 9th and 10 grade. I did not chose to be the diminished dead beat father I had become, but what I did choose was death, and the idea of never having to hurt anyone else again.

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So let’s skip the horror scenes that followed and fast forward to why I feel those in early recovery should not seek a woman or man just as they did the bottle or bag. Why co-ed recovery houses are killing people, and love at first sight can only be found in a mirror. Now I’m not saying you can’t stay sober while in a relationship. I am saying when the day comes when everything falls apart, when your partner relapses or you lose that job, will you remain strong in your program. I am the first to tell you I got away by the skin of my teeth in early recovery.

I would self seek in women, use them to fill voids, hold them emotionally hostage. I kept a roster of women so when I was hurting or feeling alone I would always have something to fill the void, to temporarily take away the pain. Hey, kind of sounds a lot like my relationship with alcohol and heroin. Hmmm must be me, idk. Anyway, it wasn’t until I found out who I really was and what I was capable of that I was able to offer anything to someone. I found myself perfectly content with laying in bed completely alone listening to music, or going out to the pool hall or beach and hanging out with my boys. I found myself to be “ok!” I didn’t “need” anyone, and honestly it felt really good.

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Moral of this article is this. After years and years of trauma, hurting others, getting hurt- all these things have affected our abilities to be in healthy relationships. Because I never liked who I was from the start. From mom’s perfume to the dope man’s product, I found myself masking the real me. Shit, I didn’t know who I was until I was in my late 20s, and I am just now beginning to see a little clearer. Look I’m no therapist, and again this is all my opinion and experience. Just please take it from me. You cannot sexually transmit recovery. You cannot live off self will and selfish acts. You CAN discover yourself and see what your really worth. You can be present and available one day to a man or women, and have that hopeless romance you imagined many years ago. This starts not at detox, not in treatment, nor in a coed halfway. This starts when you stop, take a look at yourself and say “what can I offer this person today?” Not ” what do they have that I need?”

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My relationship with alcohol and heroin took away everything God provided. In no way do I live in regret. I understand and hold myself accountable for my actions all those years. I also know I am not the same person I was back then. My relationship with heroin went from the perfect fit to an empty fix. It lied to me, and it took me for a ride I will never forget. Heroin went from a solution to a symptom. It takes and takes until you have nothing but the desire to die. Just know that if you’re one of the lucky ones that lives through this shit that you have a decision to make. Everything that you think is gone, every bridge you torched and every heart you broke, it can all be rebuilt. This starts with you, an uncomfortable inside job that will not only give you your life back but also enjoy it. I have my life back, I’m not only breathing, I’m living. My wife is a partner, not a hostage. My kids have a father, not a felon. This too can be your story if you so chose.

I know this article is somewhat all over the place, but then again, aren’t we all? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I pray it gives someone a little more clarity as to why it’s important to love yourself before anyone else.

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Rjdavid
RJ Vied is very well known in the online recovery and a subject expert author @ SFYB.

On numerous occasions and venues, RJ has openly shared his struggles with heroin, drugs and addiction and how he broke free and took back the control over his life.

RJ Vied spends a lot of his free time educating and touching the hearts of others through multiple public speaking events around the country and through his writing.

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